Tears For The Philippines

Last night brought something home to Mike and I that we "know, knew and became lax about".....the boys have a lot of unresolved feelings about their lives in the Philippines.  Lucas has a lot of memories that are good for and about his life there, Eli does not. 

This difference in their experiences was probably the first and only divisive thing they brought with them to their new lives....don't get me wrong, since coming home and learning that they can have separate opinions and experiences they disagree a lot....that's good.

We've watched several movies and tv shows that were set in or talked about the Philippines.  Some showing Manila and others the islands of the Philippines in general.  It always brings about conversation about them living there and memories.  Last night, we watched a movie where it was primarily set in Manila.  The boys lived in foster care there for 4 1/2 months while waiting out the final paperwork process for us to bring them home.  That transition time between orphanage, foster care and our home was valuable.  The two strongest memories the boys have talked about are the school they went to in Manila and their "Lola" there.

While watching this particular action movie usually we would hear a lot of sound effects and general mayhem out of Eli.  Suddenly it was too quiet, I looked over and he had tears.  Eli is not a kid to show emotion easily unless it's to be a total goof ball.  I asked if he was ok and I got the guy response of "ya, ya" and a wave off. 

After the movie he came into the kitchen and I asked what it was about the movie that bothered him.  He said he missed the Philippines sometimes.  Then he went on to clarify "not the busy part, the pretty part.  The Philippines were really pretty sometimes."

This got me to thinking about the conversations we've had and do have with Eli about the Philippines.  I would say it's safe to say that 80% of them are about the Philippines itself, not people but the actual land.  When he wasn't allowed or couldn't attach to the people who were caring for him he seems to have directed that need for connection to the land.

I wish his birth family could know this about him as they were farmers and fishermen.  People who also could probably understand that connection to the land.

"You Better"

Sometimes your kids can say or do things that embarrass you.  Sometimes....that can be reversed and your kids are the ones who are embarrassed by you.  I like to think of it an equalizing phenomenon. 

Yesterday (with 80% family approval - all the females) and something I've thought about for 5 years (procrastinator, planner or chicken that I am) was the day that I went to get a tattoo.  In Eli's words,  "Ya, I know right?"

It's nothing huge, inside wrist (under my watch band for work).  It says Blessed and has 5 bird silhouettes in flight, one for each of the kids.  When I left the house it was to Eli and Lucas shaking their heads.  Apparently, things of this nature are okay for them when they are older not mom.  I'm not sure a tattoo is in either of their futures as they would run or pass out at the sight of the process.

When I got back home Eli looked at me and said, "Well.  Do you like it?"  I told him that yes I do and I was really pleased with how it came out.  He took a look, looked up at me and said, "Well you better cause it's going to be there for ever and ever and it will NEVER EVER come off."   Hmmm.  Thanks son.

Nice Cooking Dress

Today...all day...saw more Christmas baking at our house.  Last year Lucas was interested in learning how to make certain things for the holiday, this year he's more into the eating so it was Eli's turn to create.

We made 3 different kinds of cookies, 2 candies, a cake and dipped pretzels.  Eli was in charge of the pretzels, he helped with other things but the pretzels were his domain.  He was quite nervous on getting just the right amount of dip on each pretzel stick.

The first two came out without incident...the third, he was so confident he forgot to pick up the pretzel and just stuck his fingers in the chocolate dip.  He was soooo not happy.  After being reassured that we had more chocolate he washed up and tried again.   Two boxes later I think we have enough dipped pretzels for quite sometime.

As he was finishing up (not necessarily cleaning up) he looks over at Rachel who is now on her 2nd recipe of cookies and gives this parting shout out,  "Hey Rach!  Nice cooking dress!"   Guess we forgot to introduce and explain the word "apron."

Sharing His Story, His Way

Last night Lucas and Eli had some friends over to spend the night, go sledding and pretty much see who could stay awake the longest....I did not win that contest.

This morning, Mike was on breakfast duty in the kitchen and while the boys were eating I took 10 minutes getting ready for the day...I swear it was no longer than 10 minutes.

I came back into the kitchen to hear Lucas telling their friends about aging out of the orphanage and what that meant.  His friends were having difficulty understanding or believing the whole idea.  Lucas spotted me (frozen in the doorway - just shocked as this is the first time I've actually heard him explaining it himself to peers) he says, "Mom.  You tell them, I wouldn't live where I used to anymore, I'm too old.  Eli and I wouldn't have been able to stay together."  At which point five sets of eyes (including my husband in this as he was clueless until this point :) for further explanation.

So......I pulled out the mini lesson on orphanages, the boys' life there, at which point Lucas stepped in and added more details.  Lucas and Eli have always asked we share their story, they wanted people to know but either didn't have the words or were too shy so they'd ask us to share.

I know they have talked with their friends about certain things about their lives in the Philippines, I've just never witnessed it.  Lucas did really well, only needing some back up to let his friends know he wasn't making it up.  It's hard to believe for adults let alone kids.  As for their friends?   I'm pretty glad these 2 young gentlemen were the ones he shared with.  At the end of the conversation, one of them slung his arm around Luke's shoulders and said,  "Well.  I'm glad your here now otherwise you wouldn't be my best friend."

What's a mom to do?  Invite them both back for sledding and a pizza party after Christmas and smile.

This Can't Be Happening

7:50 a.m., threw the kids in the Yukon (snow day for schools) and took them to do grocery shopping and last minute Christmas shopping.  All of those things could account for Eli screaming, 20 minutes into the ride..."This can't be happening!"

Nope.  It was the fact that he noticed the outside temperature on the read out.....4 degrees above zero. 

Christmas Baking or Should I Say Snacking?

Rachel decided to conquer a simple baking item with Eli's help.  Two minutes into the project I think the score was 3 on the baking pan, 2 in Eli's mouth......but the laughter was winning by a long shot.  Happy Holidays!



It's Finally Here!

What could possibly cause this to be exclaimed when I walked in from work?  Snow,  heavy, wet, accumulating SNOW!  Last winter was a very light year for snow, the boys did not approve, extreme sledding is their favorite. I say favorite even though they complain about the cold, the wet and aren't really good in the steering department.  They want snow boards....I think we should master the sled first....I'm not explaining another concussion.

I think Lucas and Eli thought it was a joke on them, the first year home we had a lot of snow, last year hardly any....they probably thought it was a gimmick to get them to like winter that first year home.

As we are in a blizzard warning for the next 18 hours pretty sure they may have to hold out that long at least before breaking out the sleds.   They don't think it's a problem to sled in a blizzard but once again their mom has other ideas.

Say The Words

This past week has seen a lot of tragedy for the United States and for people around the world.  The murder of innocent school children is unexplainable to a child that survived an early life in an area of the world that has more than its share of violence and death.  It's unexplainable to any child or adult.

A few posts back I wrote about Eli telling me how he liked school in America because it was safe.  I was so happy he felt that way about school and his new love of learning.   That was then.  Now, we are left trying to explain and make sense of an abhorrent act, to try and convince two boys who have seen first hand acts of evil and now realize they can happen even here in America....even a school.

Working in the office of an elementary school has left me with a lot of questions, anger and yes, fear.  As hard as I tried to work through all that before returning to work on Monday...I have to say I didn't succeed....nothing is as it was before....nor should it be...it's hard for everyone.

As I was literally opening the door to leave the house, Eli came up and said very quietly,  "I love you."  All that time I was trying to make him and Lucas feel okay about going to school and making sure they know we love them, those three words helped me head out to my school, face all those little faces and parents too.  Not only the children need to hear those words, all of us can benefit from the act of telling our loved ones that yes we matter, yes I know what you mean to me and yes I love you.

So to Eli I say thank you for sending me off with that knowledge and thank you for realizing I needed to hear it.  Most of all to all my kids I say, "I love you, you are precious, you are truly a blessing." 

Sing What?

Tonight was the 3rd Christmas concert for our kids, Sydney's college concert = 2 hours (survival of the die hards), Lucas' was tonight = slightly over 1 hour (5-8 grade...ummm we too survived) and then Eli's is on Thursday. 

Lots of new songs, fast and slow for Lucas and Eli to learn.  Christmas songs blow their collective minds.  They both came home complaining about how fast the words were and they didn't know them.  So their music teacher emailed us the words and being the ever independent (bull-headed) young males they are, decided they could read and learn them themselves.

Well on the way home tonight they were both singing the songs at the top of their lungs with words that I'm not sure what language it was in.  We knew the tune, they have that down but the words....not so much.  How could their parents and sister possibly know the correct words because they KNOW it ALL! 

Well I'm pretty sure their is no evergreen with changing leaves and their is no king in Frosty the Snowman.  But what do I know.  Band, now that went well.

Tails of the Hairy Nature

Sometimes I wish I could climb inside the mind of these two boys.....oh wait, I'm not that brave or crazy yet.  What possesses them to come up with certain conversations and thoughts is dumbfounding to me.

Sitting in a restaurant after a marathon day of Saturday basketball games, Lucas looks across the table at Mike and says,  "Dad, does it hurt to get your hair cut like that?  I want my hair cut like that."  Huh?  Mike usually wears his hair in a flat top and fairly short, so I'm looking at Mike thinking what on earth is Lucas talking about.

Lucas went on to explain he wanted his hair to go back on the sides in the front like his dad's does but was concerned it would hurt to have his hair all "shaved" off......Mike's hair isn't shaved off...it's called a receding hair line...try explaining that and not laugh.

Hall Monitor?

This week Eli informed us that he was the "name writer" in the hall.  Huh?  After much explaining we think he was chosen for the hall monitor to write student names down that were talking as they passed through the school hall.  Huh?  Eli?  This child has not stopped talking for the past year....that's a good thing but hall monitor?  Really?

He was very dignified when explaining his duties and how and whose name he had to write.  Then he named a boy who is a friend of his.  I asked how he handled getting his friend in trouble.  Eli's kind of looked sideways and said,  "Mom.  I gave him the warning sign first.  He stopped talking so I was ok, I didn't have to write his name down, besides he has a hard name to write.  The quiet sign was better." I think I need to learn the quiet sign for home use.

Being a Grandma

Today's lesson from Eli...he could teach everyone a thing or two....when he came over to me as we were all cleaning up the supper dishes.  I figured I was in for some large epiphany when he cornered me in the kitchen and very seriously asked, "Mom.  When I have children....when I am a dad....will you be my kids grandma?"

Family relationships are a big deal to him.  Lucas knows the relationship tree (dad's brother is his uncle, aunts are his mom's sisters, cousins are aunt's & uncles' kids and so forth.  Lucas doesn't dwell on this area so much. Once he figures out the relationship he's good to go.

Eli....well he ponders on relationships a lot.  We take his need to define the pathways seriously.  He seems to have to identify everyones family membership then he has everyone in their family slot.  He has now moved to the point of realizing that the roles and labels we have within a family change as life goes on.  Yes we are mom and dad but we are also aunt and uncle, brother, sister and someday most likely grandparents.  Needless to say it warps his brain but also teaches him that relationships evolve and change and he is not always going to be able to label someone or something and have it never change.  Change is tough for him, he prefers status quo.

I thought that was the direction of this particular conversation.  It was for a part of it but as I told him,  "Yes I would be his childrens' grandma."  He started to turn away and then looked over his shoulder and said,  "Good.  I would like that."  I know his straight forwardness will not always be there, he will turn into a teenager who probably won't want his mom within 50 yards but for right now he's okay with telling me it's ok to be his kids' grandma....I'll be happy to wait awhile for that to happen but when it does I know that even if he doesn't happen to voice it,at one point in time the boy who didn't have a family to call his own for the first 8 years of his life has become aware of family and all the people in it.

Again, it's another one of those areas that a person takes for granted (I did) that family is family and for those of us raised in the same family from birth, we know early on who fills what slot in our family and what those roles are.  This is something Lucas and Eli are learning just like everything else they've learned and continue to learn over these last 3 years.  A lot of the time I can't help but marvel at all they have absorbed,then I will come up short and think have they learned as much as they've taught?

The Sisters

College exams are finishing up this week for Rachel and Sydney.  They will be coming home over break and let me tell you the boys are excited.  Not sure if it's good excited or "random, havoc will fall upon the heads of the homecoming sisters" kind of excited.

I only know that throughout our days for the past week we have answered the question, "When are the sisters coming home?"  They don't say Rachel and Sydney, just the "sisters".  I think we all may have contributed to this, me especially, as I often refer to Lucas and Eli as "the boys".

Either way, our house is about to become a whole lot busier and louder.  I'm not sure if that's good to realize your college aged kids are going to have to adjust to the louder volume than they deal with at school.  Happy Holidays and pass the ear plugs!

Is It Okay If I Forget?

In late November we celebrated Lucas and Eli being home for 3 years.  Wow!  Time flies and stands still at the same time....if that makes sense.

This morning Eli asked me how long have they been home.  I told him again.  He sat there and thought it over  then turned very serious eyes on me and asked,  "Mom, is it okay that I forget how long it is now?  I don't always remember is it okay?"

Oh.  How to answer?  I want to say it's okay, relax and let go.  Then I think no I should let him know that memories of the Philippines and his life there are important because he may have questions later.  Then I look at his too serious, worried eyes that he's forgetting things and time.  So I jumped off the adoptive parent ledge and went rogue and told him it was fine to let go.  That I would try to write as many of his stories and memories down so that he could read them and remember later.

It's probably not the most politically correct, adoptive parenting answer but it's a mom answer.

Do I Have An Accent?

The question of the night, posed to us by our youngest son?  "Do I have an accent?"  Hmmmm.  "To us, yes you have an accent."  His next question on his search for information, "How do you know?"

Well son.  I have tried for over a year (approximately how long he has understood what accent means) to answer his questions.  Today was the first time he actually thought that maybe he does have an accent...not something he got on his own he had a friend enlighten him at school.  

I've tried to give him examples of accents but when you live in the Midwest of the United States, our "accent" is pretty mundane.  We don't usually consider ourselves to have accents but I have friends from other parts of the country who describe our accent as flat or no accent.   That's how they know we are from the Midwest.

Eli went on to ask when he would be getting his English accent.  I think we have a ways to go on this subject.

Old School

As a parent I should know that if the thought of..."wow, it's really quiet"...as it regards to Lucas and Eli, I should know to not count on it lasting too long.  The trip to school this morning was one of those occasions.  

As we pulled into the parking lot, the errant thought of quiet passed through my brain just as Eli announces,  "Mom, you need to see our school in the Philippines.  It was huge.  A college, a high school and us little kids.  It had a big yard with a fence and a gate....and lots of guards."  Then we had 10 seconds of silence as he processed what he said.

He followed his thought up with,  "but we don't have guards here.  I like this better, I'm safe and it's good to come to school, I'm not afraid here."

Silence.  Sometimes it opens a door for a whole lot of meaning.  Puts a mom's whole day in perspective.

She'll Never Marry Me

I don't know where certain conversations begin with the boys.  Suddenly I will find myself embroiled in a soul searching, philosophical conversation for which I am totally unprepared for.  You just never know which road Lucas and Eli are going to travel.

Some where Lucas began talking about changing names and was my last name Pickle when Mike and I married and why did I choose Pickle instead of Mike taking my last name and so there began the social/cultural custom of names after marriage.

At the end of this whole conversation (which took a loooong time) he flops back in the chair with the most pitiful look on his face and says, "But it's not fair!  I will never get a girl to marry me cause she would have to be a Pickle and she won't want to do that!"  I said, "I changed my name when Dad asked me to marry him." He said,  "But your the mom you have to say yes."  No son.  I was not always a mom, I did have a choice, even in the dark ages when I got married and yes you will find someone that says yes.....just not for awhile.

God Lights

Tis the season to decorate, bake and decorate some more.  Our neighbors are so good about decorating outside their homes for everyone to enjoy.  I'm still trying to get the guys to hang outside lights.  Inside is done, thank goodness.  

This morning as we once again headed out to school, Eli started talking about the light of God.  Ok.  Just really out of context for what we were doing.  So as I'm trying to follow his conversation with Lucas I hear,  "you know those people have God's light, we need to get the light of Jesus."  To which Lucas quickly agrees and wants to know if dad can find God's light.  WHAT?

Two miles later and a whole lot of drawing with their hands, they were talking about the neighbors manger scene that was still lit this morning thus the light of God.

I Heard It Crack

Those are the words that came out of Eli's mouth as we pulled in to the school parking lot.  What?  Heard what crack?  Obviously, it wasn't a bone as he was playing last night, good this morning and not screaming in pain.  What?

His explanation..."Oh you know last night when you were gone.  Dad gave me an apple and when I bit into it my tooth made a crack sound."  Great.  Does your tooth hurt?  "Nope, but it sure is wiggly.  Are all my teeth going to fall out like that picture of grandpa?  Will I talk like this?"  Which was followed by much inappropriate facial expressions of those without teeth.

Lucas, who could not be left out of the discussion, tells his little brother, "You sure have lost a lot of teeth since we got here.  Pretty soon you aren't going to have any.  You just keep getting rid of them and pretty soon God doesn't give you any more."

What can I say.  We pulled up to the school door and I let them out, came to work and drank a pot of coffee, I'm not leaving the house without caffeine again. 

The Eyes Have It

"Mom.  How come you and dad look at people's mouth when they talk?"  I wanted to say it's because your dad and I are old and getting deaf so we have to read lips....but I didn't, that was a little too close to true.

Lucas went on to say that he doesn't look at lips he looks at peoples' eyes.  He told us that he can "hear" a lot more by their eyes, even if he doesn't understand the words because they are talking too fast, their eyes will tell him.

Sadly, he also went on to say that he is quiet in school, watching eyes because that way he can figure out what is being said......people talk too fast.  I can only imagine how tired his brain is from deciphering a constant barrage of English.  Then to realize he's "reading" eyes to judge what is going on and people's intent.

We knew both he and Eli are watchers, it is a coping mechanism from the orphanage.  Safety, approval and knowledge were gained from watching, now watching has become a learning tool and probably a little security as they navigate growing up.

Wake Up Call

Have you ever been sleeping soundly and get the feeling someone is watching you?  This has been my wake up call for the past several mornings...at 5:30 a.m....followed by "I'm ready."  WHAT!

I don't get it.  Mike jokingly told him on Sunday that he needed to make sure he set his alarm so he'd have plenty of time to get ready for school.  Lucas asked him what time, he said 5:30 but did correct himself when he realized Luke took him seriously.  This is the part I don't understand.  This was a conversation between Mike and Lucas...why do I have to be woken up at 5:30?

It is nice that he has his bed made, room picked up and back pack ready.  Today he even remembered to take his drum kit to school for practice.  I wonder if I should be leaving him a list of chores I need done...pretty sure that would cure the early wake up.

Three Years to Spontaneity

Over the course of the three years since the boys came home, they have met and passed many milestones.  One of those surfaced in technicolor this holiday week-end.  All 5 kids were in the house for extended periods of time.  It allowed them to interact with one another in ways that brief visits on week-ends and an hour or two here and there don't touch.  Bicker, joke, argue, joke...repeat...you get the idea.

It was hectic here, Thanksgiving, family pictures, birthday and Christmas decorating all in the span of 4 days.  Lots of together time.  Lucas and Eli are getting better at giving themselves breaks when they get too overstimulated and need some down time.  Only one melt down this week-end, I count that successful.

Something that was new to the family dynamics this holiday was that both boys have developed this sense of appropriate spontaneity in humor, interactions, behavior and did I mention humor?  At one point Alison turned around after being verbally zinged by Eli with such a shocked expression it was hilarious.  She asked, "Where did this kid come from?"  "Where is he learning to talk like that?"  Not inappropriately by any means, just verbally holding his ground in a humorous conversation with the sister that can talk her way into and out of anything.

I hate to tell the girls...their brothers have had them and their dynamics under close study for the past 3 years and spontaneous humor is only the tip of the iceberg to things they have mastered.  Beware!

What a Terrific Birthday Gift From My Kids

The Holidays are Mixing Together

Many reasons to be thankful today.  Family being the biggest and best gift.  Lucas and Eli have picked out and are in charge of making their favorite food for today.  Lucas is in charge of homemade noodles.  Eli is making stuffing.  Yep stuffing, something that he wouldn't touch the first Thanksgiving home.

We were sitting at supper last night talking about all the items we had yet to make.  Lucas informs us that he had roast pig for Thanksgiving in the Philippines.  We had to explain that yes he may have had a roast pig but Thanksgiving is generally an American holiday.  They probably had this treat on a different holiday in the Philippines.

He shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't care if it was Thanksgiving or not, he sure was thankful to eat it.

I Know.....Right :)

Some mornings a mom just have to laughs.  With Eli, there are a lot of laughs.  I've never seen a kid who jumps out of bed with a smile on his face, ready to go and is 110% in to everything he does.

In an attempt to clean house and bake for the Thanksgiving holiday, we were trying to get the boys to pick up their rooms a little better than normal.  Mike went into Eli's room to help him do a little "fine tuning" to his clean up job.  Later, as I walked by the doorway I noticed a couple of things on the floor that needed to be put into the laundry.  I said, "Eli, you still have some dirty clothes on the floor."

He calls back from his position in front of cartoons on tv.  "I know, right? (total disgust in his voice)  Dad said he'd do it."  Nothing like starting the holidays with a laugh.

I Know What They Will Look Like in 60 Years

We had a brief glimpse of the future and what Lucas and Eli will look and act like 60 years from now.  Sitting together on the couch, one reading a book, the other drawing.  Talking to one another at supersonic speed and neither one listening to the other.

When I say they were speaking fast, I mean we could not understand a word that was uttered.  After about 10 minutes of this (my hearing and sanity were in danger) they stopped at the same time, looked at each other and said at the same time, "What?"  Practicing for their old age I guess.

When Girls Come Calling.....Really!

Sometimes important matters that should be addressed with all respect and seriousness are .........hilarious.   We want to be sure that the boys approach friends (boys and girls) with respect.  We also impress upon them sometimes daily that at 11 and 12 years old....they do NOT have girlfriends but friends that are girls.

That works right up until a girl calls the house and talks with one of the boys, he blushes an alarming color of red and mumbles into the phone.    After ending the call he walks away, shaking his head and mumbling, "Ah, man."  I find myself walking the other way, thinking...."Really!  I'm not ready for this."

Holiday Request From The School Lunch

I made my holiday request from the family for food they would like to eat for Thanksgiving dinner.  Our kids, if nothing else, are consistent with their favorites.  Alison - macaroni salad, Rachel - pie, Sydney - pistachio salad, Lucas - green bean casserole.....and then there is Eli (with full support of Lucas).  

Can you guess what he REALLY wants for dinner?  Sweet potatoes just like the school cooks make.  In his estimation they are the best things possible.  I'm not sure what that says for my cooking but like the dutiful (or  passivating) mom that I am, I made one of the oddest calls our school probably received today,  "Can you tell me if there is anything special the cooks do to their sweet potatoes?"  

After assuring the school that, "no, I don't have a complaint", "no my child didn't get sick from it", I had to explain that my son, "REALLY wanted those for Thanksgiving."  Now you may be wondering what the secret recipe is?   Open a can, sprinkle with brown sugar, warm.  I can handle it.

Who Giggles More?

I'm really starting to question who giggles more.....boys or girls?  Right now I'm thinking boys.  For the past month or so, one or the other or both of the boys have been sick or injured.  Apparently they've both recovered admirably.

For the last two nights they giggle at each other, the tv, the dog, their parents, their sisters, bodily functions, brushing their teeth (that is not a pretty sight).  Last night Eli was across the room working on his homework....smiling with the occasional giggle thrown in.  Did you catch that?  Homework (voluntarily), smiles and happy.  This from the kid who wouldn't go to school 3 years ago.  I feel like giggling!

What's He Speaking?

I've been reading a book called "The ELL Brain and How It Learns".  It's a fantastic book that parents and teachers of ELL kids should read.  It is such an eye opener to all that is going on in their brain and what all has to happen for these learners.  It is one of the few books that my husband has picked up read 3 pages and said, "Oh.  I wish I'd known this 3 years ago, it would explain so much."  And then he kept reading.

As a population at large a lot of people could benefit from reading it.  For those that have never had to learn a new language or those who mock or judge those learning, it could give them a new point of view.

Although last night in our house we had our own little intolerance issue in regards to people with accents and what is "wrong with him?"  Nope, not from any native English speaker but from one of our sons, as he was watching tv.  He heard someone speak English with a heavy Eastern European accent and was quite adamant about that person not speaking English correctly.  He was, just accented.  

I pointed out to our son that he too speaks with an accent.  He was so shocked.  He looked at his brother and said, "No I don't, I talk just like him."

Sydney's College Project...Her Brothers

Sydney is a college freshman this year.  Lots of assignments, with lots of subject matters.  This past week one of those subjects for a speech was international adoption and her brothers.  I think she found it challenging to fit her knowledge of the subject in the designated time frame.  No she wasn't short for material.           It's kind of neat that she learned so much about the process and what it took to bring Lucas and Eli home.

After class she was approached by several people who were either touched by adoption already, want to adopt in the future or were curious about some of her photos.  As Sydney was telling me this she said, "Mom, I think maybe some of them thought Rachel was adopted too, you know that whole blond thing." 

I don't think about the "looks" of our family.  Our kids are our kids, not adopted, not biological just our kids.       I think I actually used to get more comments on whether or not Rachel was adopted when she was little than I have with the boys.  I think I'll suggest to Sydney that her next subject should be on genetics and family traits.  

It's Not Rude, You're Ignorant

Probably not the nicest title for a blog post but after a week of contemplating, evaluating and trying to "let it go" this is still the title and subject that I can't drop.

Before traveling to the Philippines to bring Lucas and Eli home, I made a small book for our friends and family, introducing the boys, a little about their background, photos and small bits of info concerning institutions and behaviors that can be associated with children raised in that environment.  In a nutshell I tried to condense all the adoption and attachment books that I'd read and include things that our friends and family may be introduced to along with our two new family members.

A couple of people that received this booklet were nice enough to let me know they appreciated it, as it answered some questions that they were hesitant to ask but interested in so that they could also help in the transition and their interactions with Lucas and Eli.

Included in this cliff note introduction were customs and mannerisms that may differ from the boys to our norm.  Nothing wrong with differences but people do wonder.  These are not differences that we have ever tried to "change"....why should we, it is culturally and socially acceptable.  They are fully aware that we do some things differently, if they adapt to it that's fine, if they ask questions about the differences we answer.  They are also aware that the differences can make them stand out in peer situations.  This is usually when they may chose to adapt the situation.  The key to that statement....THEY CHOSE!

So.  For anyone who may run into our family, we are a family made up of 2 cultures, experiences, language differences and behaviors.  We try very hard to not let these differences be an excuse for bad behavior but unless you have immersed and understand Lucas and Eli's birth culture do not presume to correct something with them that you deem to be impolite or rude.  Here is your first clue when you have breached an appropriate boundary.....Lucas and Eli will look at you like your are an idiot.  They won't say anything to you  about your misstep as that is rude for a child to correct an adult, they will simply know you are ignorant of things outside your small world.   Your second clue of a monumental proportion?   Me.  As you finish your tirade at my child please look over your shoulder because I am there.  I will be there.  I will address your ignorance either with education, condemnation or avoidance.  I will not allow my children to feel or believe their culture is any less valuable than yours.  Do not attempt to impress your "manners" on them, they have parents who will be the guideline.

As in the beginning, ask questions, seek answers we are always happy to talk with anyone about most aspects of adoption and the boys.  We are not okay for others to devalue and make our boys feel less than anyone else.  Educate yourself....be rid of your ignorance your world will be so much brighter.

Define Freedom

Periodically Lucas and Eli go through phases where all extra talk is about the Philippines and their memories.  Lately, we've moved beyond the Philippines to details of meeting us in Manila, travel home and the first days in their new home.

Lucas has been talking about being scared, not being understood and not understanding what we were saying.  (Here we thought we were doing so well.)  About learning to ride a bike and learning all the rooms in the house.

One of the interesting thoughts he told us went like this, "I remember being soooo tired.  I went to sleep and woke up the next day and looked at everything.  You said I could go outside and play but I didn't know where to stop outside.  Someone always told me where to play, someone always told us when.  You said I could just go play.  That's what freedom is.  Freedom is when you can play outside when you want."

What's your definition of freedom.  To a newly adopted 9 year old from the Philippines, it's freedom to be a kid.

Cowboy Cars

Our town is small.  One stop light and no fast food.  I know.  Small.  Driving through town itself takes 90 seconds at most.  Traffic is slow so there is always time to look at everything and everyone....that may add 15 seconds to your travel time.

That is unless your child (Eli) screams, "Look at the cowboy car!" thus causing you to give yourself whiplash.  Then there is the mom mind confusion that ensues as I try to figure out what on earth is a cowboy car.  Do you know?

This is a common test whenever we are in the car.  Let's see how many kinds of cars mom does not know the name of.  Their favorites are Mustangs, Cameros and Corvettes.  Yes.  I do know these.  Not a cowboy car....have you figured it out yet?

It was the sheriff's car with the emblem on the door.  Just like a cowboy sheriff wears according to Eli.

Who'd You Vote For?

Voting is today.  If I should have forgotten after the million calls from campaign workers and the fliers overflowing the mailbox, I have 2 very verbal, opinionated sons, who are adamant about the voting process.  They are excited. 

I have to confess.  I just really want all the ads, calls and mail to stop.  Yes it's an important process.  Yes I will vote.  Yes I've decided.  I just want to not be told, reminded, cajoled, lied to and harassed by the process 24 hours a day.

The boys are all excited about who is voting for whom.  They even asked their principal who he voted for...sorry Mr. Makey.  They want to make sure that they can come with me to vote after school.  

Four years from now the boys will be 16 and 15 the next time elections are held.  I wonder if they will be as involved, excited and hopeful as they are today.  They have a very high appreciation of America, it's opportunities and they value each and every freedom they have.  I wonder if the rest of us truly place such high value on the million reasons we should vote, should appreciate America and should have an opinion.  Vote, have an opinion and follow through.

Speak Correctly

We don't have to remind the boys of this quite as much as we used to.  What we have taking place in the house is a reversal.  Forbid if one of the native English speakers forms a sentence wrong or uses a word incorrectly or flat out says the wrong word.

Eli, the speach profectionist, is on the case or the case of the errant speaker.  I used to try to explain that people sometimes use the wrong words and it is impolite to correct people especially those older than him.  Unfortunately, he is headed for a debate career.  His argument.....you correct me all the time, I learn English the right way, you should use it the right way, how else am I suppose to learn.  Ok.  Well.  Guess we all will be watching our words and if he happens to correct one of you out there, we ask that you understand how much he values getting the words right.

Mickey Mouse It Was Not

We live on a farm in Iowa, Midwest views, Midwest critters.  It's not uncommon at this time of year to have at least one (I delude myself to think there is only one) cold mouse make it's way inside with the intention of setting up house.

This time we apparently didn't detect our visitor quite as quickly and so when he met his demise he was extremely "healthy".  Gross, yuck and ick!

I came home from school this week to the very unwelcoming smell of something dead.  With the superior help of my two brave sons we emptied the  cupboards and went on a rodent hunt.  We found it.  Ewwww!

Eli (because he was the only remaining soul to take on the task - Luke and I provided support from the other side of the house) extracted the remains and disposed of the unwelcome guest.  

Reason 9547 that it's good to have brave men in the house.

Which Child Gets The Consequence

Adults mess up, kids mess up.  Sometimes both at the same time.  I arrived to pick the boys up at after-school care to hear a report that one of "your" boys said a naughty word.

Hmmmm. Ok.  My question, "which boy?"  I thought it was a normal question.  Then I looked at this wonderful lady's face, she has taken care of so many children in our community and is a real blessing in control and patience with so many in her care, but at that moment the look on her face was priceless....no clue.  Confirmed by her reply, "I don't know."  

I soooo wanted to laugh (inappropriate I know).  Luckily the offending child confessed and was accurately identified.

Going To Find The Kids

I've written previously about trips to and from school and about all the hilarious, mind blowing, sibling tattling and self outing that goes on within the 2 mile stretch between school and home.

With the sun rising later and later, I take the boys to school in the dark these days.  This morning as we are approaching the school driveway Eli spots a school bus heading out on it's route with all it's lights on (probably while he noticed it today and not previously).

Also to explain further, Lucas and Eli's favorite sport these days, is to impart to one another how much smarter they are than the other.  In Eli's most superior, know-it-all voice.  He says, "Oh look.  The school bus is going to go find all the kids."  The next 30 seconds of conversation was Lucas trying to get Eli to understand that a bus has a route and the kids are picked up at the same place all the time and that the bus doesn't "find" kids.

Eli's response....."so!"  If I'd only known one small word could stop the bickering so effectively.  We are talking dead silence all the way into the school building.  Not mad silence, just an acceptance to the end of the discussion.  So for all the parents out there...remember this powerful (and mature) word to end all arguments...."so".

Dealing With A Dictator and Military Law Motherhood

Some days with kids you have sunshine, cooperation and utter obedience....oh wait that was a dream.  Seriously, we don't generally have running battles of willfulness.  Occasionally...yes.  More so in the last two days...definitely.

I will blame it on weather, my late overtime this week, basketball practise in full swing, 2 days off of school and a sister moving home for a week between apartment moves.  It surely could not be my wonderful sons have decided to test their mother at every turn, statement or sneeze.

This morning apparently marked the end of the patient mother (stop laughing!) and thus began the dictatorship of mom.  You've probably experienced from your own parent or been that parent.  The one who says, "Ok this stops now."  No more arguing with the dictator, questioning every move or direction, no more debating if what the dictator says makes sense to the masses.  Free will and choices are not known until such time as these behaviors cease (or there is an overthrow of dictator at which time military law, also known as dad, will step in).

I'm really taking a hard look at the 3 males in this household and wondering how on earth they have survived this long. They should never be left to their own devices.  Anarchy seems to be their version of a happy home right up until they disagree with one another and then it's civil war.  I don't mind questions done in a respectful manner (not megaphone volume) I can even handle the brief argument with a sibling (as long as someone is making sense - yep there isn't a lot of sense in boy arguments, just saying).

The boys have tested the boundaries and found out they are patrolled by a mom who may let them stretch the perimeter but will have a say when enough is enough.  Today is enough. 

Just Checking

On Monday and Tuesday of this week I had to work late due to parent/teacher conferences.  I made it home in time to see the boys heading for bed.  This usually means there is a lot of information that they JUST HAVE TO SAY to me before they hit the sack.

Last night Lucas gets as close as possible and whispers..."Mom.  You and Dad are both coming right?"  Ok after a 13 hour day my mom abilities to fill in the missing information was not up to standards, so I said, "Going to where?"    With a heavy, put upon sigh he said, "You know you have to do the parent thingy."  Huh? Thingy? He then proceeds to enlighten me on the schedule for Eli and his conferences.  If you would come to our house you would see the conference schedules boldly displayed on the frig....we don't forget these easily.  

After assuring him that yes we were going. Then came the question of:  "Are you both going?"  Answering yes again and asking if there was something special he wanted us to cover with his teacher his response was, "No.  Just checking.  You know it's your job to talk to my teacher, that's why it's parent/teacher conferences.  Just checking to make sure you know."

Yes dear, after having children for the past 27 years and 22 of those having children in school, I do know my responsibilities for conferences.  And by the way it's not a job it's called parenting.  :)

Look How Far He's Come

For those who have followed the boys' story these past few years, you may have figured out that school, teachers and education in general was not a positive experience for Eli.  Within the first week of meeting Eli we quickly figured out his early educational reports drastically underestimated his abilities and determination.

With the extreme efforts of our school and teachers both Eli and Lucas continue to pass those early reports and are racing to meet up with their peer levels.  They aren't there yet but when we see one of them create and accomplish tasks like the one in the photo we are so very grateful for those teachers who have taken the time to educate themselves, learn new methods of teaching an ELL student and basically caring enough to go the extra mile.

When Eli came home he didn't know what a state was, what a river was, a country (other than the Philippines) or a mountain.  He couldn't have put a 20 piece puzzle together, forget that this one is 500 pieces.  If you can't tell how proud we are of him by this post, take a look at his smile and see how proud he is of himself.  He's smart, he's determined and most of all confident.  He can achieve, he can succeed, he can!

Mom! They're Still Talking!

Last night the boys (intermittently) watched the presidential debate.  They are really interested in the whole process and are quite concerned about happens if the president loses (they used to think he died) and are totally freaked out by Romney's looks.....whatever.

They had to go to bed before the debate ended and after getting ready for school this a.m. Eli turned on the t.v.  As I attempted to apply eyeliner, I hear him scream, "M...O...M..!"  well the eyeliner was now on my forehead...I went to the living room expecting blood at the least....Nope just Eli screaming at the t.v.  "Mom!  They're Still Talking!  They talked all night and are still argueing, they must be really mad!"

So at 6:30 we had a social studies lesson in politics, debate vs. fight and tv replays also discussed why it is not a good thing to scream at your mother first thing in the morning.

Headache Free Day At Last!

Today Lucas had his first day of school without a headache since his concussion.  Granted it was a 1/2 day but still it was a success and now he can go back full time.  Now, for the big test....basketball practice starts this week.....would it embarrass my child if I made him wear hockey gear onto the court?

Greet, Meet and Pray

On Saturday, Mike was called into work which meant Lucas and Eli were forced to endure grocery shopping with a surprise "your clothes are 2 inches too short" shopping trip with me.  Clothes were bought in record time and we may have enough groceries for the week.....unless they decide to continue the growth spurt they are both participating in, then food will only last until Tuesday.

As a side treat to cooperation we met Alison and her boyfriend Mark for lunch.  This is the first time Mark and the boys have met.  I wasn't sure how this would go, sometimes when meeting new people some strange alien possesses their bodies and it can be disaster.  They did great.  You can tell Mark has siblings and just rolled with the punches.  Yes.  There were a few punches....not literally....as in Lucas deciding to interrogate the poor guy.  Mark took it in stride.  Eli chose the "I will study you but not actually speak directly to you"  approach.

When we arrived at the restaurant, Mark and Alison were already seated so the boys only saw Mark from that angle until we got up to leave.  Alison is 5 foot even, the boys greatest thrill lately is that they look both her and Sydney in the eye.  Well they have a way to go with Mark.  You should have seen their faces when he stood......all 6 foot 5 inches.

As we were leaving the restaurant, Lucas is begging to be as tall as Mark.   I mean literally begging.  At one point and just to get him into the car and to stop idolizing (and I'm sure embarrassing) Mark, he asked, "Mom!  How'd he get so tall?"  I went with the standard, "that's how God made him".  Mistake.  For the remainder of our shopping and in the car, I would hear, "God.  Please.  I want to be tall like Mark!"  "God.  Please make me tall, you made Mark tall, me too!"  "God!  You can do it!"  I'm sure God enjoyed the pep talk and support but this may be one of those times when his answer is no, unless this growth spurt doesn't slow down.

85 Year Old Bones

One of the things we knew when we first brought the boys home was that their early life nutrition was not good.  Their joints are not good, they are severely double jointed, in places that I didn't even know there were joints and I have never seen toes look like theirs.

Their appearance reminds me of my grandparents arthritic joints at 85 years of age.  They look like they hurt.  They both say they don't (right now).  I can remember popping my knuckles when I was younger and thinking how could this possibly hurt later.....well to pop a knuckle now just about makes me cry.....I can't imagine their hands and feet and knees when they are 85.  I can hope that advances in medicine will give them some relief when they need it.  I can also hope that they stop torturing me by walking up to me to bend their fingers backwards, sideways and popping miscellaneous body pieces.....no meds for that....just a mom growl.

School Can Make a Body Tired

Today Lucas was able to return for a half day of school.  He made it through without a headache but hit the couch when he got home.  Wouldn't you know the first day back would include drum lessons.  Ouch on a non-concussed brain.   Monday and Tuesday we try full days with no recess or p.e. then if all goes well he can be turned loose.

I think I will be rewording that to him though.....play is fine, running your head into anything is prohibited until I'm too senile to know.

Well It's Not a Broken Bone

I just always thought it would be a broken arm or leg.  The way the boys go at everything 110%, that's what I thought.  It's not.  It's a concussion.  Lucas fell and hit his head while out helping with harvest.   The doctor said he will be okay but for the next 2 days, no activity, no school and then on Friday we are to try a 1/2 day of school if he is headache and dizzy free.

When we took him into the doctor I really thought his nose was broken but no that seems to be okay but a lovely shade of purple and green.  He failed the exam when the doc had to shut off the lights because of his photosensitivity and then he couldn't walk a straight line.  Those results led to more tests and then her turning to us and saying he has a concussion.  

He thought he'd get medicine and go about his usual day...when she started explaining restrictions his brain interpreted her to say he can never play sports or go to school or play video games or watch tv.....ever.  The last two sent him over the edge.  It took a whole lot of fast talking to curb the panic attack he had.

He's resting today with sunglasses on in the house even though I've made it as dim as possible.   Explaining a concussion to him is not easy, I'm quite sure he thinks his brain is going to ooze out.  It probably feels like it.  

As the doctor is winding up the visit, she paused to read the front of his shirt which until that moment I did not realize he'd worn.  Take a look at the saying......yep that's us.....observant all the way.



Boys Are Hard On A Mom's Ego

Tough skin is a necessity some days.  I need to start having at least a couple of cups of coffee before the 2 minute ride from our house to dropping the boys off at school.  It is amazing how many conversations/confessions can occur in a 2 minute span.

Most days the revelations are directed at their brother but a mom can learn a lot by listening.  Not so today.  Today Lucas looks at me and says, "What smells?"  Huh?  I'm sniffing and thinking about all the possibilities that two boys could bring into the answer.  Then he continues,  "Oh it's you."  Ouch!  What!  He very adamantly does not like my new perfume....and no I only put a little on and did not bathe in it.  Usually he's the son to tell me that I look nice or whatever...not today....today it was Mom you smell....then I had to drop them at school and drive to work wondering if the perfume,that I really like, is that bad.  My coworkers assure me it is just fine, so Filipino boy with the amazing smeller will just have to tough it out and I will have to drive to school with the windows down until I grow a thicker skin.

Into the West

Trying to explain America and it's history to someone who has no frame of reference is hard.  It's hard for us as parents, hard for the teachers and hard for the boys.

Starting out 3 years ago we started from ground zero.  We had to describe, explain and show rivers, creeks, states, cities, towns, countries, continents, oceans, islands.  We had to explain various ethnic and cultural groups (still working on that big time).  So much of what Mike and I grew up taking for granted or just absorbing as kids taught us about America and the world before we ever got to a formal education.

Lucas and Eli had to sort of start in the middle and learn from both directions.  Their peers knew about general geographic features, western and colonial history, American holidays, various wars and famous Americans.  I challenge you to stop and think.....what things did you know concerning American history before you entered school?  Did you watch westerns, did you know some basics about presidents, did you know about Indians, cowboys, slavery, the Civil War?

We worked for the last 3 years introducing pieces but it's hard to cram that much information into a coherent easily explainable (let me tell you I can't explain the reasoning behind a lot of history and the most popular question from Lucas and Eli is why?)

Over the past several weeks we started recording and watching an old tv mini series, "Into the West".  It covers so much history, in two hour increments it's amazing.  Some of it's a little tough to watch, some of it causes the boys to really question a lot of things and presses Mike and I to further the discussion.  I wish we'd found the series a little sooner.  It could have introduced them to so much that they've questioned. 

Their questions can make us squirm, you just can't explain certain policies, conflicts, prejudices and government policies.
I can say that in some respects their views of America have been changed.  A lot of information has been brought to light and opened up discussions with them that we may not have touched on for years.  We were struggling to explain prejudices to them, they've run into several situations that have caused us to really press their awareness of people's prejudices and possible actions.

They are visual learners for sure and if you are traveling a similar path here in the U.S. you may look into the movie.  You may want to watch ahead so you are prepared for possible questions and scenes.  Like I said it's made us think and made them just a little more American and a little wiser to choices of a nation.