We Are Making Another Attempt

I should say Lucas is making another attempt at a nearly full day of school.  We are going to aim for only sat shortening it by an hour.   This week we had to back off to 3-3 1/2 hour days, any more put him on the couch sleeping off a headache.  He doesn't return to the specialist until November 11.  I hope he can progress back to full days, headache free by then.

As we educate ourselves more and more about concussions, traumatic brain injuries and secondary hits we are doing our best to put the breaks on his need to be like "all the other kids" and make sure he's recovered completely.  What we are being told is that as long as he is completely recovered that there is no more increase chance of further concussions than any one else....as long as he is fully recovered....that is key.

I know if you've read this blog for any length of time you will know that we are blessed with our public school's cooperation and willingness to do whatever is necessary to meet the boys' needs.  This is very much the case again for Lucas' special accommodations during this healing period.

So for now he sits on the sidelines of activities and basketball and becomes increasingly frustrated with the wait to heal.  He understands the need, it doesn't help his 13 year old drive to be like his friends.  Imagine if you can trying to put your foot on a porcupine to hold it in place...that would be about the level we are at.

Butterflies on a Stick

Sometimes you can have a conversation with your kid that just short circuits and goes off in a totally unexpected ..... and hilarious direction.

At supper, Lucas was talking to Mike about pretty much every subject imaginable.  (It's what he does to try and fill in the blanks in his memory.)  Somehow the conversation deviated into Mike's dating history 35+ years ago.

Lucas said, "Dad what did you feel like when you asked mom out the first time?"  Mike, not over thinking the answer replied, "I had butterflies in my stomach."  Let me say...for an English Language Learner, using slang or "sayings" really messes a kid up.

Lucas had the most flabbergasted look on his face, followed up with, "WHAT!  You put butterflies in your stomach?  How'd you do that?  Did you put the butterflies on a stick and then give them to mom?  Why would mom want butterflies on a stick?  I don't think girls would like that dad!  That's weird, no one should do that to butterflies, they need to be free, not be put on a stick."

Let me also say his entire part of the conversation took place in one breathe and there was no stopping him.  Eli, who was doing his part to eat through an entire plate full of chicken, put his chicken leg down, looked at his brother and said, "Dude!  You need to slow down and figure it out.  Dad didn't touch any butterflies and what makes you think he gave mom a stick of them?  He's just talking English."

We then experienced the required brotherly arguing of, "well he said..."  "he didn't mean that..." "but he said..."  "listen closer..."  Needless  to say no butterflies were ever harmed in the telling of this story.

He's Made Huge Progress

Tuesday afternoon was a very good day for Lucas.  He went to school, rested when needed and in the middle of friends reintroducing themselves, he says "it came back!"  He said he looked around and it "popped" and he new them.

He had a headache right before the "pop" and then it was gone and the memory was there.  There are spotty places yet and he's still restricted from everything but the relief on his face to be able to see someone and know them and their name was priceless.

He's got a clearer picture of the day of the injury.  He will come up and ask every once in a while if what he remembers is correct.  He doesn't quite trust his brain yet.  We wanted to wait and see if he would lose ground overnight as he slept as had been the pattern but he was up and telling us "I still remember!"

The whole remembering and school took it's tole, he was on the couch and snoozing most of the night and headed to bed early (on his own).  Either way there was one excited kid headed out to school this morning.....some pretty excited grown ups too!

The Next Phase of Recovery

Today was another step in Lucas' recovery process.  By meeting with the brain trauma specialist we have a working plan to help him in his recovery.  It is a combined effort of home, school and specialists and most importantly Luke providing the hard work of slowing down, no physical activity, no basketball, no video, telling us and teachers when he needs to stop and rest.

The doctor explained that in 85% of cases like Lucas' the injured person will recover ground lost in about a week.  12% will take about 3-12 weeks to fully recover and then there is the undetermined 3% that go beyond that time frame.

He expects Lucas to come in to that 3-12 week mark.  Due to his continued loss of names and pieces of his memory and English he felt that his degree of injury was more severe than initially determined.  He said that Lucas recalling information, going to sleep and waking up sometimes remembering that information and sometimes not should also be considered average for his injury and that should rectify itself. Basically, REST!

He still tires easily, gets headaches although not as severe and tries desperately to hide what he does and doesn't know.  He tells us he is embarrassed to let people know he doesn't know their names.  For now we continue to take school one day at a time, we encourage him to rest (wish us luck).

Do You Suppose They Will Ever......

The six words titling this post run through my mind often in relation to Lucas and Eli.   The phrase runs a close second to my self commentary of, "because I said."  Thoughts beginning with the phrase, "do you suppose they will ever..." have a tendency to freeze me in my tracks, break my heart or leave me beaming with pride.  I wonder.

• "Do you suppose they will ever say turn on/off a light instead of close/open the light?"
• "Do you suppose they will ever learn to like potatoes?"
• "Do you suppose they will ever pass a driving test?
• "Do you suppose they will lose their fearlessness?"
• "Do you suppose they will always have this close relationship to one another?"
• "Do you suppose they will go to college?"
• "Do you suppose they will be taller than average Filipino males?"
• "Do you suppose they will always be worriers?"
• "Do you suppose they will adopt when they are older?"

This list goes on forever.  Some are trivial, some are frequent fliers through my brain.  Some are generated from frustration, having explained something a billion times and not getting through.  Some are generated by a sense of awe at their abilities to cope, adapt, accept and move forward.

This past week with Lucas' injury and all the coping and adapting everyone in our home has been experiencing, the phrase of "do you suppose..." has taken on a life of it's own.  It is quickly being overtaken by "what if....."  When that pops in to my head, I try to quickly follow it by taking a lesson from our sons.  Cope, adapt, accept and move forward.  Do you suppose they will ever stop teaching us far more than we teach them?

Hopefully

Lucas tried school yesterday.  The goal was to try it until noon.  We got a call at 10:45 that he was struggling and went to pick him up.  The teachers teamed him with a buddy to help him navigate the building, classes and re-introductions in the event that adults weren't on the spot.  I'm very grateful that this student was so willing to help out.  Lucas needed it.

The hope was that he'd recognize at least something, the building, layout and maybe even a few faces, that didn't happen.  Mike walked him to the classroom, he didn't know the way.  He still refers to his teachers as teachers, not by name.  Reading brings on an instant headache.  So more resting this week-end...he is not happy.

Someone asked if he remembers being hurt.  Right now, he remembers up to the point of his head connecting with the ground.  He does not ask questions about the injury or what happened.  Last night there was a little spark of memory as he was talking and spontaneously mentioned a friends' name.  His face was priceless (ours probably were too).  He stopped mid conversation and said, "I said a name!"

He's handling the headaches and tiredness but knowing that he knows someone but can't identify them is really starting to wear on him.  He is using Eli a lot for the information filler.  Eli is totally gloating about that.  Once upon a time, things were reversed and Eli depended on Lucas to provide the words and be the "front" man.

Hopefully the specialist on Monday will be able to offer some more information, hopefully a week-end of rest will give his brain some encouragement to heal, hopefully some more names will spontaneously pop into conversations.  Hopefully we will start seeing some progress toward healing because I'm really missing this smile.

Making Friends The Second Time Around

Lucas is going to try a half day of school on Friday.  He's a little nervous.  He still doesn't have a grasp on people's names.  The amnesia is hanging tight when it comes to people's names.

He is concerned about not knowing the kids and teachers.  I have to say we live in a community that has some pretty amazing teachers, parents and kids.  The amount of concern for him has been heart warming.   His friends at school know what they might expect and he understands that he doesn't have to know it all walking in the door.....yep it really doesn't help him, friends are important to him and he doesn't want anyone feeling bad if he doesn't recognize them.

He's going to have a peer buddy tomorrow for the time that he's at school so hopefully it will ease the door open to reintroducing everyone.  We just don't know, the teachers are as prepared as they can be for him and the students are kids who just want their friend back.

So ready or not Friday will be here and we will hope for the best.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Lucas' recovery is progressing.  His memory is the frustrating part.  His balance is greatly improved doesn't bother him for the most part.  His headache comes and goes.  Sometimes he just puts a pillow over his face to block the light and sleeps.  Sleep is what he needs.

He's able to place family members names but has trouble with teachers, friends and extended family names.   He recognizes people as those he knows but just can't hook the names into place.  He isn't a happy camper.  

We'd hoped he could do a half day of school on Thursday but with persistent symptoms that's not in the cards.  Again, not a happy camper.  He has to be symptom free for 24 hours before we progress to the next step in recovery....that illusive memory and headache is really a kicker.

Eli has found a new lease of brotherly care.  He can't get in the door fast enough to check on him after school.  He will sit and play quietly (for Eli this is a huge and unusual thing) with whatever Lucas feels like doing.  Every once in a while you will catch sight of him passing by Lucas and patting him on the shoulder with the occasional, "Doing okay bro?"  This has really scared him too.

So we will spend the day imitating rocks and not doing much.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a two steps forward kind of day while omitting the step backwards.

Football, Trauma Center, Traumatic Brain Injury and House Bound

Our week-end was anything but dull.  At this point we all wish it had been dull and uneventful and unremarkable.  It was not.

Lucas and Eli's football playoff game was Saturday morning.  With four minutes left in the game Lucas was running the football when he was caught by two opponents....I say caught and not tackled as he was dragging the two kids behind him....he doesn't quit easily....then he was hit by a third from the side.  The kid grabbed his face mask and with the combined weight of all three took Lucas to the ground....first thing to hit the ground was his helmet/head.

This all took place near our sidelines a short distance from us, his coaches and team mates.  At first we thought he had the wind knocked out of him, he stood up and went to the sidelines.  We saw his coach take a look and he called Mike over to take a look.

I have to say that we were extremely blessed that we had a large contingency of family which included two of our daughters (one of which was Alison who is a nurse) 2 of their boyfriends, my sister and at least 4 other mothers who are also nurses.

Alison evaluated him and called me out of the stands, by the time I got to him he was on his knees, eyes shut and in obvious trouble.  We immediately suspected a concussion.  We headed to the nearest hospital, with the help of many to get Eli gathered up, our stuff located and extra vehicles driven home.

We didn't make it to the hospital before he developed further complications and we stopped at a fire station for help.  He was transported to a trauma center and after a CT and exam it was concluded that he has a minor traumatic brain injury (guess this is the new way of scaring the crud out of parents for saying concussion).

With the standard protocol for concussion rehab under our belt he was released and all day Sunday he rested and seemed to be doing fairly well.  Then came this morning.  We were to take him into the doctor as a follow up.  I woke him up late, he was very quiet (not normally a morning person so I didn't worry too much).  Then came the road trip to the doctor.  I looked over at him and he had the most bewildered look on his face....just totally lost.  Scared the crud out of me.  I started out by asking him if he remembered things from yesterday.  Nope.  Then I asked where we were going.  Nothing.  I said Lucas can you tell me your brother's name.  He looked at me, glanced sideways, looked back and I could see him visibly swallow and then something that I will never forget came out, "I have a brother?"

That had to be one of the longest drives into Omaha I have ever taken.  Our appointment with the doctor and referral to a doctor specializing in sport related traumatic brain injuries was both reassuring and has given us a general idea of what to expect.  Barring complications he's on the slow boat to recovery and a frequent participant in naps, boredom and quiet time.

In my previous post I said that I thought age has helped us in being prepared to adopt...yep that came back and kicked me hard.   I've aged 5 years in 3 days and pretty sure that my blood pressure is a little high.  I'm so grateful for the fantastic medical care he's been given but if I don't see the inside of a rescue squad, trauma unit or CT room I'll be forever thankful.

There is a lot of debate on kids playing contact sports.  It really is a talk that I'd encourage every parent to have with one another and their child.  Will he play football in the future?  We'll see what next season brings and whether he has any interest.  In the mean time I'll leave you with a photo from this last game that gives you a little glimpse of his love of the game.

Would This Be Easier If We Were Younger?

I recently read a post about how younger parents deal with issues compared to the approach of older parents.  We are in the older parenting group.  Having started parenting in our 20's and are now raising teenagers again...do I think there is a difference?  You'd better believe it.

Patience.  I never thought I'd say I have more of this expendable commodity and after my previous post it may seen contradictory but I just don't get as impatient with Lucas and Eli as I was with the girls when they were the same age.  (Ok, Lucas is sitting beside me chomping in my ear so the patience may be spotty).  I do know that the girls say, "Mom!  You would never have let us do that, this or the other."  It's true.  Don't sweat the small stuff.

House keeping.  Again don't sweat the small stuff.  My house is no where near as clean and neat as it was when the girls were younger.  Just not the top priority.

What is allowed and not allowed.  As politically incorrect as this is I think this has to do more with raising boys rather than girls.  It is different.

Energy level.  This is a tough one.  Some days I'd say I have more than when the girls were little, other days I'd say I let things slide in order to keep up with the boys.  Either way, I hit the bed at night and sleep...like a worn out mom.  Think that happens at any age.

Do we handle issues differently.  Most definitely.  I'm so glad that we had some parenting under our belts before handling the issues we deal with now.  Good, bad and normal I don't think that we'd have done as well with the tough stuff in our 20's.  Do I think that only older parents make good adoptive parents?  No.  Absolutely not.  I just speak for me.

It's kind of like saying if one of your difficult babies was born first they'd have been an only child.  (Our girls have heard us say this and know whom we are speaking of).  For us it has been a better fit to adopt later in life.  I'd say that after 20+ years of talking about adopting that the right time for us was now.  Older, slightly slower and totally enjoying the experience.

What Is With Boys and Their Moodiness?

Raising teenagers (or surviving the teenagers) is never dull.  You never are dealing with the same personality from one day to the next and sometimes not from one hour to the next.  I have a new appreciation of those people with twins.  

The year difference in age between Lucas and Eli are not going to give us the same breather we had with the girls.  With our daughters, one was on the tail end of teenage issues as the other was entering, usually not overlapping too badly.

How two people can be so engaged, happy and sweet and within minutes turn into little poops and then just as quickly turn back into amazing kids....urghhh!  This Jekyll and Hyde behavior is tiring not only for their parents but they just haven't realized how much work they are putting into these hormone driven, privilege restriction inducing antics.

One thing about surviving 3 teenage daughters it was really good practice for 2 teenage boys.....and if I keep telling myself that enough times a day, the 2 teenage boys may survive to see the week-end.

Timeline Project #1 In The Books

The much dreaded school project that probably 90% of adoptive parents dread....the child's life timeline.  We are definitely lucky that Lucas was the first to approach the project.  He's a little easier going with the unknown parts of his history and is content to draw pictures where he didn't have photos.  Unless Eli changes a lot in the next year it probably won't be the case.  He wants definitive answers and photographic proof.

I understand the concept behind these timeline assignments but I also think that in this day and time and societal issues being what they are that a different project needs to be looked at....too many of today's school kids have time lines with big blank areas.  Information missing from the process of adoption, the frequent moves of the foster care system or the restrictions of poverty that don't leave room for the luxury of photos.  I think the lesson that was intended is frequently lost in the uncomfortable, blanks that children must drag out for their classmates to view.

Changing the project won't change the facts but it does allow the child the dignity to keep what portions of their lives private that they want and share those details in the time and place of their choosing with those they choose.

Adoption "experts" extol the need to let the child's life story be their own and share how they chose.  Well experts....you tell that to a teacher with an assignment that is required.

They Are Excited To Hear From You

I am so grateful that we live in a time where computers, Internet and blogs can help shorten the span of our earth.  The connections we've been able to establish here and the wonderful information that you share back is amazing.  

Recently, we have had several comments from the Philippines.  Lucas and Eli are thrilled when someone writes a comment or sends information about the Philippines, recipes, knowledge of children that have been adopted from their orphanage.  It means a lot to all of us.

We say thank you for taking the time to read and respond.  Thank you for filling in the gaps, answering questions and for asking questions.  Your participation here helps to bring up some pretty amazing conversations for our family.

Our China Family

Lucas and Eli enjoy anything that involves throwing, kicking, rolling or bouncing a ball...any kind of ball.  This is becoming somewhat of an issue as all things involving these activities has been banned from inside the house for good reason.   Having practiced hard at baseball and football they don't really grasp how hard and damaging some of their throws can or could be.

Our house dog loves to play catch and fetch with the boys.  I'd like to have a dollar for every time I've stopped the three of them.  They all look so shocked that it's not allowed....even for the thousandth time I've said it.

Eli let hurl the dog's toy and "accidentally" hit the china cabinet.  Nothing was damaged except my patience.  Once again I said, "Be careful or you could break the china cabinet or knock the china over that is in it."  I don't know what came over him or what he thought he heard but his head whipped around and he said, "WHAT!  That's stuff from our China family?"

No matter what I did to explain china dishes, heirlooms and crystal he is truly convinced that we have relatives from China that gave us their dishes.  I gave up.  As long as their isn't a ball bouncing off the cabinet I'm willing to let him believe that we are some strange Norwegian, French and English Chinese descendants.

Is There Life After Football Season?

To answer that question.....yes, it's called basketball but we have one more week-end to go with football as the boys' team pulled off another win today and are now headed to the playoffs.  Go Panthers!

They use their brotherly, silent communications on the football field to their advantage.  

Mom! Just Look At This!

Our nice fall weather is swiftly coming to an end....therefore every outside chore known to man has to be accomplished today before we leave for a football game at 2:00....did I mention it's 45 degrees outside and most of these chores could have been done in our nice, comfortable 75 degree weather this past week...but I digress.

Once the boys were convinced that yes they did have to wake up and start moving, then came the "I can't find warm clothes to work outside" dilemmas.  That stall lasted about 5 minutes or until my patience left and choices suddenly became available.

As I was making a pot of coffee, I hear what had to be a moose walking through our house, as people can't possibly make that much noise.  I turned around and there stood Lucas with his arms out to his sides and mouth hanging open.  "Mom!  Just look at this!  What happened?"

This would be one of those times that he refused to let me take a picture....I really wanted a picture....he had dug out warm clothes from last spring and to say they no longer fit is an understatement.  The jeans were 4 inches above his ankles, what were supposed to be long sleeves stopped 3/4 of the way to his wrists and the sweatshirt now looks like it was cut off at his belly button.

He's been so proud to pass his sisters in height but didn't realize how that translates to other things.  Some of his favorite clothes no longer fit and he was not impressed.  No matter how much tugging he was doing on the clothes there is no doubt they will not be fitting him again.

As a small side note to the chores....apparently those involve every piece of machinery, tool and vehicle we have...3 lawn mowers, 2 chain saws, trimmer, tractor and rope...I'm doing laundry it just seems a wiser choice.

They Make The Day Better

As frustrating as our children can be....as much worrying as a parent does (no matter how old the kid gets)...there are those days that make you fully appreciate your kids.  I don't know what our lives would be like without all 5 of them in it......okay that's not exactly true....they'd be duller and slower and no where near as interesting.

Today was a day that I hope to never repeat.  It started out tough and got worse.  By 3:30 all I wanted to do was come home and hide my head under a pillow....well that wasn't happening.  I picked Lucas and Eli up at school and before we made it back to the car, they had my day pegged before even asking.

We're starting to reach that point where for brief (I do mean brief, they are teenagers) periods of time, they can hold down a serious, heartfelt conversation.  We got home, they unloaded their book bags, put stuff away and brought me a drink (no not that kind) into the laundry room and told me to sit down and relax.

Now that is the point where the teenager genes kicked in and they went to ride the go cart.  But I think, in it's own way, that was taking care of mom too.  Clearing the house for some peace and regrouping time.  That is as much peace as you get listening to them scream, laugh and rev engines requiring me to keep checking outside to make sure everyone is still in one piece....even that helped to lighten the day.

So to this day that kicked my butt, I'm through with you and I'm calling it family night cause family is a whole lot more important and caring than anything that I could drag home at the end of the day.

When the School Calls

Working in a school office, I can tell you it is not easy to call a parent and tell them that their child is sick, injured or in need of parental assistance.

Receiving the call is not fun either but at the end of the call is a kid in need of a parent to make life better.  It was Eli's day to need mom.  The kid has one speed and it is full out...all the time.  Good in some situations, not always good on the playground.  With nothing to slow his speed except his face hitting the ground, he got a trip home, an ice pack, Tylenol and an afternoon of rest.

I'm also fairly confident that this will not slow the kid down for long...there's just too much fun to be had.

Mom? What Do I Call Her?

I'll start this post by saying I'm not identifying which son had this conversation with me.  There are a lot of subjects and happenings that I post here.  I work hard on letting the boys know whatever the subject is that I'm writing about.  When we are out and about I will often stick a note in my phone with a post idea for later...memory is definitely spotty sometimes.

I suspect as the boys get older what they approve for me to share will definitely be censored more.  This is one such conversation.  While we talked this over and I was given the okay to share, I do think that it was a serious enough topic that we'll keep some of the details private.

Why share at all?  Both I and our son think it's important as it was very close to his heart and he has started expressing more and more questions about his birth family, country and adoption in general.

The out of the blue conversation came out of no where.  We were talking about some unrelated thing and he said, "Mom.  What do I call her?"  I didn't get it.  Who?  "Do I call her my step mom?  How do I say it?"  I was, to say the least, beyond surprised.  We generally talk about their biological mom, as their mom or one of our sons' uses the term "my first mom in the Philippines".

For whatever reason, at this particular point, he no longer was sure that it was okay to say any of his usual terms.  My hunch is that this has come up with friends.  We have a lot of questions coming out of that area.  So back into the relationship tree and explanations we traveled.

Ultimately the question was..."can I have two moms?"  I told him it was fine with me and before I could go further, his brother completed the conversation..."Yes!  We're lucky we get to have two moms."  After they shared (what I call) their "brother look", they agreed that yes they could have 2 and that it was okay to tell people that.

Now what was behind the motivation to this conversation remains somewhat of a mystery.  I think it was a combination of things that pushed the question forward in his mind....was it okay with me to call someone else mom, too?.....was it weird that they have 2 moms when their friends have one?....how do they talk to people who ask questions...and their friends are starting to have these types of questions.

Some people say that it isn't any ones' business and we don't have to answer questions.  Yes I understand that point of view but I also think that none of us live in a bubble and people do have and do ask and do wonder about a lot of things.  Ignoring those things or turning away doesn't stop the inquiry it may even redirect it into a negative, assumptive place that does damage.

So our approach from the beginning has been to say we will answer anything and if it crosses into an area that we are not comfortable we will say so.  I remember in our early adoption parenting classes when adoptive parents were in to speak to the group and answer questions.  Little did any of us novices know that if we didn't use the correct term or that there were certain things that were deemed allowable to speak of and those that have been claimed as taboo from the experts, that we would be castigated in front of the group.  I never want that to be the case when I'm on the receiving end of a question.  We won't be offended by the question if they won't be offended by our choice to answer or not.  So far it's worked out well.  I hope that we can convey that approach to the boys and they too grasp that there isn't any question they can't ask that we won't try to answer to the best of our ability and knowledge without sugar coating or making up information that we don't have facts on.

It is quite wonderful that our boys have 2 moms.  We wouldn't have them with us if they didn't have families spanning two countries and cultures.  Adoption doesn't happen without that very basic connection, it should never be dismissed or forgotten.

...and that's why you shouldn't have kids

Sunday after Lucas and Eli's football game we needed to make a quick trip into the city for new athletic shoes x 2....growth spurts equal new footwear.

Before going to the store we stopped at a local restaurant.  We were set in a middle space of the restaurant which was somewhat crowded even though it was late afternoon.  Let me begin by saying when our entire family goes into a restaurant we are a crowd, so tolerance of other large families is understood....except when the behavior crosses a line.

I was doing my best to ignore a family of 5 adults and 4 children.  We all tried but did not succeed because....there were spilled drinks (that hurdled ice under Lucas and Eli's feet in our area), screaming, crying, children crawling on the table, threats, throwing food and then the topper of all behavior....a thrown knife from a 3 year old.

That is when Lucas put his spoon down and quietly leans in to tell me,  "Mom.  That's why some people shouldn't have kids.  I think I'll get a job first."  Not exactly sure why he related the behavior to lack of a job but either way I was pleased to hear he recognized the inappropriate behavior.

I looked over at Eli because frankly I thought that he was the most likely to voice an opinion (loudly).  His reaction? Simply shaking his head back and forth in disgust.  His comment when we got home?  "People should act better, they were not nice to the worker lady."

Their powers of observation and discernment....right on track.