"When I First Came Home"

This past holiday week-end was slow for us.  We didn't have the usual week-end ballgames, sleep overs or huge meals.  We simply relaxed.  With relaxation came a lot of conversations.  One in particular, with Lucas, really made me rethink how fast time is going by and how the ground we have covered still needs to be talked about.

Lucas and Eli were talking with us at supper about the Philippines and their friends.  These conversations have gradually tapered off and only pop up when a memory is triggered.  I suppose it's a little bit like how they've acquired English and lost a lot of their native dialect.  The specialist said as their brains become filled with more and more English and current memories they would, not necessarily take the place of, but push back and file those earlier experiences and knowledge in their "lower file drawer" and those files would be accessed less and less.  It's definitely true for Luke and Eli.

For some reason Lucas began talking about the first and second day they were home.  I can not believe how vivid that memory is for both of them.  Once they started talking I could remember the things they did but to hear about how they felt those first days when they knew 3 words of English and couldn't tell us what they needed or how they were feeling, how scared they were to go anywhere because they didn't understand if they would be back, they were scared to go in the car because they didn't know how long we were going to be away from home.  They even talked about how they thought our dog was a werewolf dog because she was so big.  Scared, scared, scared was the overwhelming theme. 

This isn't a surprise to us.  I'd have been terrified in their shoes.  At the time we all tried so hard to communicate and ease their fears but fell short.  To have them to be able to verbally express to us those feelings, even after 2 1/2 years really is amazing.  Because even though it took 2 1/2 years they did get to express those initial feelings and we did eventually get to have our questions of those first few days, weeks and months answered.  We wondered at the time if we would ever really know but now we do, now we tackle the rest of the "firsts".

Child. Remove Thy Foot

It finally happened this afternoon in the parking lot of our grocery store.  Eli realized he had said something and very accurately placed his foot in his mouth.  It's a milestone.  Most times Eli is in your face honest, blunt and rarely if ever means to insult or hurt anyone but with straight forwardness comes the very real possibility of coming off that way.

Today's statement that he actually caught himself and tried valiantly to remove his foot and back the conversation up?
I came out of the grocery store to find that Mike, Lucas and Eli had taken the Yukon for a much needed car wash.  I said, "Thanks guys for washing the Yukon, I appreciate it."

Eli from the backseat pipes up, "We didn't wash it.  The old man did."  Dead silence ensued as I was valiantly trying not to laugh as it would be inappropriate to refer to their dad as the old man....I lost the battle.  Eli, realizing what he said, sputtered,  "NO! NO! I not mean old man dad, I mean the REALLY old man at the car wash!"

Older Child Adoption and Mentors

This past week I had the opportunity to speak with a perspective adoptive parent as part of a mentoring program through our former agency and now hers.  We've done this several times over the past year or so and it always amazes me what memories these phone conversations bring, how they make us stop to realize all the changes since we were at this stage in adoption and how very different the boys are now from the two little guys we brought home from the Philippines.


Usually these conversations follow a certain path with questions and concerns and telling how our journey was and continues to be today.  Mentoring definately gives as much as you give.  This particular conversation brought back a lot of those initial doubts, questions and concerns that were thrown in our path.  Some our own but not necessarily. The doubts that were "offered" by family, friends, professionals, were the ones that are hard to reconcile.


As I was speaking with this mom, who happens to be an experienced adoptive parent, I was watching Lucas warm up on the baseball field.  It made me wish that all those doubters, all those "well-intentioned" people, all those in the boys early lives could see him at that moment, team member, confident (cocky) 12 year old, who is growing more comfortable with himself and his new world, enough so that he can grin on home plate before slugging it into center field.  I wish they could see Eli, the kid who was a "touch me not" when we met, meeting me at the door for a hug and talking on and on about his day.   How far they have come, how far we as parents have grown and stumbled and learned, how far our family has expanded....not even describable.


Yes, mentors should give realistic views on life with an older adoptive child.  Absolutely.  I also believe mentors have as much responsibility to give the positive as the problems encountered.  I remembered just wanting to talk to someone who could shed some positive into our early adoption journey.  You can read and hear a lot about the negative issues supposedly in an attempt to "make sure" you know what you are getting into....hey I'm all for being as prepared and realistic as possible, just pull back long enough to see the huge milestones, the little milestones and all the smiles that are encountered too.  Be a mentor, be a support, be realistic, be a parent who sees the huge and the little successes and then go give your own kids a huge hug, stop long enough to see the smile at home plate and enjoy this huge gift you've all been given.

Brotherly Wisdom Number 1429

Eli to Sydney, "Syd. Do you like coffee?"
Sydney, "Not really."
Eli, "you ever drink some coffee?"
Sydney, "I've tasted it."
Eli, "Hmm.  You drink to much of it that's why you are so short!"  Thus rolling on the floor hysterically laughing at his latest and greatest bit of "wisdom".  Sydney calls it "brotherly self humor".

Sydney is 5 foot and both Lucas and Eli's main goal right now is to pass their shortest sister and/or torture her about her height challenges.  Mike graciously explained to the boys that they weren't allowed to drink coffee and in true dad impatience with the billion questions of why not told them that it would stunt their growth.  Thus Eli's wisdom of the contributing factor in Sydney's case.

Work Like Never Before

That is Eli's estimation of how much work he and Lucas are helping to get ready for Sydney's graduation reception.  They have mowed, trimmed, weeded, planted, painted, picked up and generally had to lay low at times.....not all were done without complaint...but are done.


The motivation to keep them going....assurances that, "Yes you can eat a lot at the party."

After All This Time

When reading all those books on adoption and taking classes on adoption and talking to adoptive parents, one of the recurring subjects is that change of any kind can be very stressful for adopted kids.  

Our house is all about change, our lives are in perpetual motion and more changes are on the way.  Lucas and Eli are holding on by their fingernails and nothing we do seems to slow things down for them.

This year the boys are on separate baseball teams which equates to double the practices, double the games.  We are getting ready for Sydney's graduation in less than 2 weeks equates to painting, cleaning, out side spruce up and did I mention MORE cleaning?  Sydney is visiting the college she is attending in the fall, the family has visited which drove the idea home to everyone that Sydney is leaving the nest.

Change is not a welcome visitor with a lot of people but for Lucas and Eli it boils down to loss.  They are losing the normal that has taken root in the last 2 1/2 years.  They are losing the every day contact with the sister that has been here nearly every day since they came home.  They are losing the consistency of each other on their baseball teams. 

For us it's a little like watching a rubber band stretch and you wonder if it will hold or when it will break.  I also know that these stretches in their abilities to cope are how they continue to grow.  If I take a really good look at the squabbles, the out and out brother fights, the back talk and the general orneriness...they are doing better than 2 1/2 years ago...not even in the same ball park.  We just have to keep reminding ourselves and others that even though they have been home a few years there are still issues, new and old, that occur, there are things that will most likely always cause them to stumble and trip but they don't actually fall down or apart as often but it does happen, sometimes with fireworks and atomic explosions and the rest of us just need to deal....even after all this time,  They both make the effort each and every day to learn coping skills and a different way of handling their emotions and probably examine their motivations and feelings more than most of us...even after all this time they continue to educate us.