Death is Different

This has been a hard winter for our family and friends.  We have lost more than a few loved ones over this season.  It's hard to grasp the death of those we love even as an adult who understands the promise of meeting them again in heaven.  Loss is painful for those left behind.

We have always involved our children in the process of death, funerals and burials.  I firmly believe if you lessen the fear of the unknown and answer the questions when asked you can eventually ease a child or anyone through this difficult time.

We have taken Lucas and Eli to a few funerals and prayer services of those they have known. Their great grandmother, neighbors and close friend. Yes, they were slightly scared but with the help of a wonderful, small town, funeral director who did not shy away from the questions (we took them separately and the funeral director volunteered to be there to answer any thing they may ask, there was a lot and I learned stuff too).

The boys have absorbed, processed and asked a thousand questions.  It's good as long as I have the answers.  When I can't give absolutes than we talk over the unknown and usually they put their own brand on the answer.  Nothing too far off base, just a childs' point of view.

This week we were present to honor the life of a wonderful man who always took an interest in the boys and has been a presence in Mike and my lives for most of them.  I think the one question that came up this time vs. previous times was the comparison of ages of all the people that Lucas and Eli know.  They were putting everyone in chronological order as that is their perception of who dies first.

What struck me about this particular conversation and explanation was that I can vividly remember having this same conversation with my mom and sisters when I was their age.  I remember where, when and who was there.  I think it was the turning point where I first realized that life and death is not something that is a certainty....I remember how scary that was as a kid.

As we were working through all the questions this week Eli gave his insight on death.  He said, "Mom, dead is different.  It doesn't have rules that make sense.  I will have to think about this some more, I'll have to figure it out."  There are just some things that do not have a concrete enough answers for a child.  Parents will have to allow for the "figuring it out" phase.