Can I just start by saying, "Wow! I am totally in awe of Eli and his enormous growth these past 15 months. I'm equally in awe of Lucas but for a range of things different from Eli.
Eli is....well.....not his brother. Surprised? We aren't. We live with them. No two siblings are the same but sometimes it's easy to blur the lines and expect the similar accomplishments, growth, you name it. I have a new respect of parents with twins.
I've written a little about Eli's experiences before arriving home. To say the least he was not a "favorite" of care givers. He does not tolerate anything or anyone he feels is a waste of time. From the referal information, to doctors evaluations to school.....he simply did not have a positive start with the adult world. He didn't go to school for the majority of his life in the Philippines. He did not trust adults and only relied on Lucas. He's not lazy or stupid. He's actually shockingly intelligent. Talk with him, you'll find out, don't talk down to him, he'll dump you in the pile with the others who have treated him poorly. Trust me, you'll be in a pile of personalities that you'd be embarrassed to associate with.
If a person were to look at his transition from arrival home until now, and if you could possibly understand all the areas in which he has had to adapt; language, family life, education, emotionally and behaviorally, coping mechanisms needing adjustments, to developing a new, evolved relationship with Lucas. It's a miracle that the scared, angry, grieving kid from last January is now a little boy who will cuddle up to me when I'm sick on the couch, put his arm around me and pat my head to see if I'm ok, who willingly does chores, who cleans up his room and now feels remorse over broken toys (even if it's an accident). He has also learned what an apology is and some ways to make an apology. He wanted to send his teacher an apology for not doing his best. Fifteen months ago he wouldn't have cared who or what a teacher was or comprehend the need.
I also find myself extremely short on patience in the area of explanations. I have talked myself blue trying to explain the background of children from institutions and the life time amount of baggage that comes along. It's not to say that this excuses or gets them a free pass with people, I believe that people and the boys are better off with information than with operating blindly. I don't expect others to automatically know institutional behaviors (let me clue you it's a whole area of development that is not widely known, especially in the United States). My frustration comes with repeated need to "fight the fight" with the same individuals who were never expected to have to "know" these issues but who are now knee deep in them. I get that they did not "ask for this new learning curve." I want to childishly tell them, "Well the boys didn't ask to be abandoned and orphaned. They didn't ask to be adopted into a different country and language. No matter how they were explained the changes that would be happening, no 8 and 9 year old is going to "get it" just like the new people in their lives could not possibly imagine how many zillion areas of early child development they have not experienced and are still learning. Just because you have a, now, 9 and 10 year old in front of you, does not mean you are experiencing the behaviors, attitudes and abilities of a 9 or 10 year old child raised in the United States from birth. Deal with it. They've come so far, they will go further, they will be more than anyone right now can imagine. Again, this mom, wants to say, "Adjust yourselves people because this is not nor ever will be "done". When you are told by people who know that this is years worth of learning.....they mean it.....and when you find yourself on the receiving end of an apology from either of our sons.....don't take it lightly......they truly mean it and take it to heart.
Can you tell I'm proud of them and Momma Bear is sharpening some claws.
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