This was part two of a question from a reader. Did we accept the practices and beliefs that Lucas and Eli arrived in our family already having established?
I would have to answer yes and no. There were some behaviors and practices that were learned institutional behaviors and were not acceptable outside of an institution and most especially as part of a family. Those were the black and white issues, that while not easy to redirect, reeducate and build new, they were easily identified early on.
The ones that were more of a personal nature such as religion, customs and mannerisms has taken a more thoughtful and discussion based consideration, both on our parts and the boys'.
An example would be that the boys learned to eat in a south east Asian style of dining and different from our Midwestern style. When they set at a table to eat, the difference in the styles were readily noticeable. Initially they were too engrossed in learning that food would be plentiful and they could have as much as they wanted. I would guess it was probably 8-10 months and random comments from people that led the boys to become aware of the difference.
Lucas, especially, wanted to know what was the "right" way of eating. We let him know that there wasn't a right and wrong in the style for eating as long as he remembered to apply manners which were pretty standard in either form. In the past 3 1/2 years both Lucas and Eli have adopted the Midwestern style they see everyone around them using. It was not a deliberate change but one that comes from daily exposure and the environment one lives in.
We have found that this has been the evolution of a lot of their beliefs and habits. They did not come into our family with a whole lot of entrenched beliefs but more of daily living habits, skills and customs that people generally don't even know why they do what they do.
The most noticeable exception would be the choice of what religion to practice. Lucas was taken to Catholic Mass once a week. Eli appears to have only attended on special days. Added to their Catholic knowledge were Islamic practices and a huge dose of superstition and super natural exposure.
We are not Catholic and attend a non denominational Christian Church. They were both actually very interested in God, church, beliefs, Bible stories and fairly knowledgeable about religion in an 8 and 9 year old way. We did talk about the differences in religion and what they knew about God and where they were comfortable learning more.
Overall and as I talked about in the previous post....we learn as we go. We talk, adjust and move forward as we meet each new situation, sometimes on a daily basis and some days it seems like many times a day. As they mature, Lucas and Eli will form more independent beliefs just as their sisters have....it's part of growing up. Mike and I are here as their guides, part of that is knowing when you've given them every tool you can and then stepping back and letting them chart their course.....ok it's not that easy to let them go but that's a whole other post.
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