A Question You May Want to Rethink...

I've been thinking about this post for almost a week and since it doesn't seem to leave my mind I guess that means I need to write about it.

The adoption world is a world that is somewhat insular to itself. It has it's own language, culture, law, education and hierarchy. Mainly it can be very confusing starting out. I remember almost a year ago when we started into the process that I was somewhat put off by some that I met within the adoption world who are very "passionate and opinionated" about their views as to what and how every process, approach and answer to adoption issues should be handled. I guess I'm just as passionate that there is no single one way for each adoptive situation and family. Thinking back (and stop laughing those of you that know how opinionated and vocal I am) I remember thinking, "Man I hope I remember not to come off like that. I wonder if they realize how off putting they are? No wonder people don't ask questions about adoption if that is the response they get." See within some adoption communities there is a whole perceived view on what is and is not politically correct for those on the outside to ask and wonder but if you aren't tuned into adoption you are unaware of this until you are slammed by somebody. I have to say it happened to me at a meeting of perspective adoptive moms early in our journey and I remember thinking (well I thought a lot of inappropriate things) and then I thought I want to make a concerted effort to not to respond to people like that.

For the most part I approach questions as whether people are genuinely interested, interested in adoption themselves, interested in the process or just being nosey. Very few fall in this last category. To what degree I provide answers depends on the motivation for questions or the privacy of the boys. If there is something that falls under the category of the boys privacy generally people don't mean to ask these types of questions or realize what the reasons would be to not answer them. Then I just circle the issue or depending on the person explain why (nicely I might add) why I can't answer that question.

There have been a few times that I've been blindsided by questions either because they are good questions that I'd never thought about or because people are people and sometimes we say stupid things.

Thus bringing to the reason behind this long winded post. Last week I had someone, who I've known distantly my entire life, walk up to me (in the most inappropriate imaginable place and time) and loudly ask (and not nicely) "So, how's your second family?"

Again total blindside. Well number one, the boys are not second anything, they are our sons just like the girls are our daughters. I don't know why this bothers me so much other than it's one of the few times that I've not been able to give a constructive, redirecting answer. Quite frankly I wanted to slug her. It probably falls in the category of think before you speak. Again we were not in an appropriate place to address her "question" so after a pause I said "our sons are fine and so are the girls" and walked away. I didn't realize how rattled I was until I got away from her. Some of it was the way the question was spoken, it was not in a positive manner or by someone without skills to properly form a question, it was more of a snide, you are ridiculous for adopting tone. I was a little "surprised" in how much I don't think about the boys being adopted just that they are our sons. The concept of adoption has played such a huge part of this last year that I'm not sure when exactly the switch over was made in my mind. Either way this encounter was good for me at one level, I had a VERY protective, possessive reaction. Guess for those tuned into attachment I've reached that level of motherhood with the boys that I think I could probably wipe the floor with someone who questions their places in our family. Maybe not the most mature realization but motherhood isn't 100% rational.

I don't want to in any way convey that adoption (the word or the process) is off limits. Most definitely the opposite. Without adoption in all it's incarnations ours sons would not be home, every aspect has brought these guys into our lives. Unfortunately not everyone we encounter is open to this and I'll go back to trying to be constructive and positive with our answers.

Ok, now I'm worried I will put off questions from those of you who have been so supportive throughout bringing the boys home. That is not what this post is about. Without all of you our boys as well as ourselves wouldn't have the wonderful support system we have. You are the ones who can ask the questions and will understand if the answers sometimes need to be evasive. Thanks for thinking out the questions and caring enough to understand!