Let Us Talk War

It's always interesting to hear what the boys tell us about their school day.  The standard question of "what happened at school today?"  can result in a multitude of answers, from a multitude of areas, from "nothing" to the more complex, fast paced description that requires repetition to understand it all.

Occupying most of Lucas school information for the past few days, has been war.  Somewhere amongst the questions and descriptions I thought he was talking about the American Civil War.  I'm sure he mentioned slavery and Abraham Lincoln but last night I received info from his teacher that they were actually talking about the Revolutionary War.

This morning I asked whether he had more information about the war.  His response, "I don't get it.  America has too many big words in their wars!  Mom.  It's a fight, you fight not talk!"  Ouch.  Maybe that is some politician's views too.

What Were You Thinking

After Rachel's photo and video discovery from the last posting, I think the boys have watched and studied the video and pictures a dozen times.  As I said last time, Eli is convinced I had Lucas in a headlock and Lucas (and us) are amazed at how tiny they were.  At the time we registered all this but seeing it with time and distance really is an eye opener.

Mike asked Lucas this morning what were you thinking when we were walking in the airport to meet everyone.  He stopped for a second (thought he'd say scared, worried) his answer?  "Man was I tired!"  And they were.

At the time we were aware of the stress, trauma and anxiety we were all under, not to the degree that the boys were experiencing.  At the time I thought we were doing well, looking at these pictures...not so much.  Time and distance allow for a whole new level of clarity.

Now as a side note...I thought I looked remarkably alert...I was not.  The prevailing thought running through my head after 3 plane rides and 18+hours of travel?  I had to stay awake until I made it to the car, I needed to make sure to put one foot in front of the other.   I'm not sure I strung 3 coherent words together.  So grateful for the welcome home crowd and our friend who drove us home as I'm not sure we would have found our way.

Stressed and Exhausted

Growing Up Way Too Fast

                                         

Lost Treasures

This afternoon I had a wonderful surprise via Facebook from our daughter, Rachel.  In the midst of her "oh no I start back to classes tomorrow" cleaning extravaganza she uncovered her old camera.  She hasn't been able to use this camera for several years due to a missing cord...the cord which was unearthed today. 

After charging she discovered a wonderful treasure from 3 years ago.  It was many pictures and a video of our arrival back in Omaha from the Philippines with Lucas and Eli.  The video is a little shaky but amazing to see...just what everyone wants to view someone's home movie.  I have to confess I've watched it a dozen times tonight.  The feelings, sounds and people that made that walk so absolutely amazing and continue to share that journey are never forgotten.

After watching it tonight, one of Eli's comments?  "Mom, why are you choking Lucas?"  I wasn't he was just very overwhelmed and meeting new people took place from behind my back or with an arm around him.  I have to say it does look like I've got him in a choke hold.  So enjoy our "welcome home treasure."





Ice It

While this hasn't been the most relaxing of week-ends it has been productive.  We've finally packed up all the Christmas decorations except for that elusive Christmas stocking that is still MIA.  The Christmas tree was a learning experience for Lucas and Eli.  They had their sisters here to decorate it and oh what fun that was, loading it down with every ornament in the boxes and putting the glittery icicles all over it....except now the sisters are at college and work and that left Lucas and Eli with the honor of taking all of it off the tree by themselves. 

When I explained to them that the icicles had to come off too, Eli's observation..."You mean that we have to give the tree a haircut?"  Took a little while but it's a task accomplished and to be remembered for next year when they think loading down the tree is a good idea.

Sunday saw great cooperation (from everyone at one time no less).  Lucas and Mike undertook painting Lucas' room, Eli and I stayed upstairs cleaned and did the laundry.  I'm still waiting for someone to explain how boys accumulate more laundry than girls.

The only argument of the day?  It came about setting the table for lunch.  I had my back turned and I hear Lucas and Eli squabbling about who was setting what on the table.  Eli, being the louder therefore must be in the right, said, "I said ice it man, ice it!"  Huh?  Just his version of telling Lucas to put ice in the drinking glasses.  Everyone returned to their respective chores and we may actually be ready for the busy week ahead. 

Son...Snow Requires Shoes

Neither Lucas nor Eli see any reason for shoes....ever.  We count our blessings that they wear them to school.  A lot of times they don't wait to get in the door from school and take the offending shoes off in the car.....boys feet smell....that's a story for another day.

January in the Midwest, with snow and sub freezing temps should lend a sense of need to the boys that, if not boots at least shoes, are required outside.  At certain points a parent thinks,  okay this will be a learning experience and a teaching moment.  I thought this...not the case.

One of Lucas' chores is to take out the trash after school.  Coming in the door from school I reminded the boys of their chores and then proceeded to start supper.  By pure chance I met Lucas coming back inside and glanced down at his feet....his bare feet.   Really.  We live in the country, our trash dumpster is not close to our house, there is a lot of snow between the house and it.....again he had no shoes on.  Urgh!

Lucas!  Really!  His response..."Mom.  It is okay.  I'm tough, I'm almost 13, I'm not cold."  Well son.  You may be almost 13 but you definitely are going to be putting shoes on those feet and it won't matter if you are 85.  "but Mom, I didn't wear shoes in the Philippines!"  (He pulls out the Philippine card as if that will win the argument).  So what is a mature and experienced mom to do?

I opened the door, scooped up a handful of snow and proceeded to stuff it down the back of his shirt.  Yep.  Mature...not so much but it did effectively communicate that Iowa in January is not the Philippines at any time of year.  The shoes have been on his feet when exiting the house ever since.

Civil War

School is back in full swing after the holidays.  Back packs of homework, testing guides and report cards.  Eli is our school reporter of lunch menus, recess going ons and monitor of those who got in trouble.....once in awhile we get actual conversations about the school work. 

Lucas is another type of reporter.  He's more of the investigative reporter that takes weeks to gather his story and then he will dump the entire story on you at one time.  Tonight it was about the American Civil War, the topic that has caught his attention. 

It took us a little while to figure out what he was so excited about, he was talking 90 mph and non stop.  Finally, he turned to me and said, "You had a war here?  In America?  Right here?  I can't believe it!"  Then to top it ALL off he asks me, "Were you alive then, did you see it?"  Wow! No, no I was not, thanks son for the age reality check.  Think I will call his teacher and ask if maybe they could revisit the time line and establish a better understanding of how many years have passed since that particular war occurred.

Eye To Eye

A teacher that I work with at my school is also a parent of a boy in Lucas' class.  Today we were talking and she mentioned how much Lucas had grown since she had seen him last.  I know his clothes are too little and there is never enough meat on the table no matter how much is cooked.

Tonight we were teasing and rough housing with each other in the kitchen and we ended up face to face.  Oh my!  I was looking that boy right in the eye.  I was so shocked that he got the better of me and won the game.  I realize 13 is approaching in a couple of weeks but could he just have eased into a teenager than changing overnight?  I'm sad, I'm happy and I'm not quite ready for him to be at this point.

I know, doesn't make sense but then again it doesn't have to as I'm a mom and everyone knows we have that privilege.

Guess Where I Found Our Boys

Tonight I was on after school child care pick up for the boys.  We are fortunate that our school provides an on site before and after school kid care center even more blessed to have it staffed by wonderful ladies and support staff.

Usually, if it is nice outside, they will turn the kids free on the playground (which parents appreciate as it runs off the cooped up all day energy), if it's nasty outside they go inside to play games, use the gym or watch a movie.  Well as I looked around the playground I didn't see either Lucas or Eli.  I was told they were inside grabbing their book bags and to just go in and let them know I was there.

Oh yes, our sons and a friend of theirs were in deed getting their book bags with the assistance of 5 girls.  Five giggly, smiling, blushing preteens.  Oh my!  What were the boys doing?  Totally enjoying every minute.  The only one who was even slightly mortified that they were caught talking (we'll call it that as it lets me live in denial a little longer) with girls?  The friend...who blushed bright red and mumbled a hello.

It is so weird being on the boy side of being a mom vs. the girl side.  I think the adoption books should cover this area in more detail.  They just don't do a mother's heart or blood pressure justice to seeing this phenomenon in action. 

Picking Out Colleges

Lucas will be turning 13 at the end of the month.  Here I was preparing to have another child become a "teenager" and the child was planning what?   Where he wants to go to college.  This is what he started talking about in the middle of planning his birthday party.

His idea for higher education?  A college close to home.  Why?  In his words...,"because it's close to home and I just got my home.  I don't want to leave it yet."  So what is this mother to do?  Go over to the computer to type this up and cover up the fact that he can bring me tears at any given moment with his insights.

Well we've got him for awhile yet and I'm sure by the time college actually gets here he will be looking at colleges all over the place.  Now I will return to the discussion Lucas and I were trying to have and plan a party for a son that is thoughtful beyond his years and still wants to be around the old folks.

You Know You Shouldn't Tell Your Kids To Hit.....

Yeah, yeah, I know a parent should take the high road and tell their child it's wrong to hit no matter what.  I should be one of those parents that don't encourage such things.  I should also be a parent that isn't allowed at sporting events where my kid is manhandled.  Yep I don't like it.

Thank goodness this basketball season is complete and tournaments are over.  It was getting a little bloody on the court.  I'm always surprised the restraint that Eli and Lucas show when it comes to getting roughed up during sports.  If I were them, I'd retaliate...probably also good I'm sports ability challenged.

Aggressive can be good and intimidating until an adult coach (not ours) encourages and bullies his players into inappropriate, unsportsmanship like  behavior...they are kids for crying out loud!  Well after yesterdays experiences during tournaments with Lucas, injuries included, I confess I unleashed Eli beforehand.  Not to go out and maim and injure anyone but if his games turned ugly to know that it was ok to protect himself from being hurt.  The kids just want to play a game...others win at all cost.   Yep I don't handle it well at all.

So needless to say, Eli didn't get shoved around, punched, knocked down or stomped on.  He gave the opponents several chances and then he chose to give it back.  He did not hurt anyone else (thank goodness) and it was one time and then the behavior lessened from the other side but he does unfortunately have a front row view of inappropriate court side behavior from teams, coaches and parents.  While we left the game with my blood pressure off the scale...Eli's view on it... "Huh.  They sure get mad.  Why do they think they play better like that?  It makes no sense."

So as I have failed yet once again in following good parenting 101 and encouraged my kid to be defensive, the kid in question continues to maintain a level head and makes us proud.



Military Life As Explained By Eli

From the time that Eli had learned enough English to get even his basic needs understood by us, he has made sure we knew what his dream was for his life.  He wants to serve in the military.  At the time and over the last 3 years we've talked about it some with him and given him just basic information about what serving in the military actually entails.  He's 11 but man is he determined.

His reasoning for wanting to go into the service goes way back to Zamboanga and the RSCC orphanage there.  This was not a prosperous, well supplied orphanage by the descriptions we have received.  They struggled for most things we think.  But one of Eli's (and Lucas') fondest, happy memories were supplied by visits from the U.S. Navy.  We believe that the Navy came in at some capacity to refurbish, supply and play with the kids.  It made a huge impression on both the boys.  Eli remembers them for the good they did, he wants to do that for others.

We've minimally tried to explain what other things the military does, from war zones to peace keeping missions.  He always floors me with his explanations of how he would handle these different areas.  He has the simplest explanations of an 11 year olds understanding and then the mature beyond his years insights.

The one that quieted the whole supper table this evening was, "Eli, you know you could get hurt and die being a soldier."  His reply,  "Yes but I could still be a soldier until Jesus came."  Well.  We will have to wait and see what the future brings in the way of Eli's career path but I'm positive we will be having this military discussion many times more before his final decisions are made.

Stalking With A Purpose

At least Lucas believes his stalking of Rachel has a purpose.  Rachel, I think goes from thinking it's hilarious to being annoyed.  Why is he stalking her?  He wants her doctor approved sunglasses.  Yep.  The kind of sunglasses you get from the eye surgeon after surgery.

Rachel had LASIK done on her eyes today.  Afterwards and for a couple hours she got to wear a nifty pair of sunglasses that Lucas has deemed ultra cool.  There is a flame on the side so I guess that makes all the difference.

To give Lucas credit he did profess concern that she was ok but some of the concern was negated when he forgot to wait for her answer before wanting to know if she was done with the sunglasses yet.  It's probably a good thing she still has some Valium in her as she laughs at him or is too dizzy to aim accurately to clobber him.

Too Tired To Move But Not Too Tired For Eating

Never in my wildest imaginings would I think to hear the words, "I'm too tired to move" come out of Eli's mouth.  Today was the first day back to school after the holiday break and the first day back to basketball practice.  It was a lot apparently.

He wasn't so tired that he couldn't eat.  We are definitely headed for another growth spurt.  I should just stop cooking anything but meat.  I looked over at his plate a couple nights ago, having fixed tacos for supper, did he have a taco shell, lettuce, cheese or tomatoes anywhere near his plate?  No.  It was one gigantic mound of hamburger.

What I found to be even more amazing was that his dad sat there, watched him load his plate and didn't think that possibly there could be some moderation involved.  But I shouldn't complain because, later, once again I turned my head, looked back and there was a second plate of hamburger.  I should have known by the shoveling involved with eating the first plate, a second would follow.

I guess we are lucky he hasn't developed an affinity for steak or we'd be having to start raising cattle.  I'm too tired for that.

And You Thought?

We've had a lot of count downs this past month.  Count down until Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Years'  Eve and so on.  But in Lucas' world right now there is only one count down that is first and foremost.  Countdown until his birthday at the end of January. 

At least 4 times a day we hear how many days until his big day, any day now I expect it to be broken down into hours.  I have to say there is probably no kid (unless it's Eli) who looks forward to, anticipates and plans for their birthday more than Lucas.

We don't really hear all that much about what he wants (although there were a few suggestions) it's just about it being his birthday and celebrating with friends.  Remembering back to that first birthday (his 10th) that we celebrated 8 weeks after arriving home and his 13th birthday coming up it really makes me pause to think.  In the 4 birthdays that we will have celebrated with him, he has covered more growing, learning, independence and achievement than most people do in twice that time.

Having said that there are still so many hurdles in front of him.  While RSCC (the orphanage in Zamboanga) did what they could, it is still an institutional start that he works so hard to move past.  He does amazing and never frets (at least not as much as me) about those hurdles that are still in the path.  He moves forward, stumbles and moves on.  My birthday wish for him would be for him to never lose that drive to clear the next hurdle and to always be happy for that next birthdays' arrival as it is one year more that he has mastered, learned from and is looking toward a wonderful new year.

Reinforcement Has Arrived

Yesterday was the day of "let's torture, harass and generally annoy our sister."  Lucas and Eli excelled in this as usual and enjoyed way more than Sydney.  She survived, held her own but was a little weary by the end of the day of sisterly harassment.

Today was a new day.  More to the point this evening.  That is when Rachel arrived back home a day early, fully recovered from her previous Christmas endurance run with her brothers and ready to provide back up to Sydney.  As I also said in my previous post.....our daughters can hold their own.....the dynamic duo is periodically reminded of this.

How did the evening turn out you may ask?  Well both boys were in bed (voluntarily) and well on their way to sleep at 9:00 p.m.   It sure is a good thing that they all have a good sense of humor and that Mike and I are partially deaf.  It does bring up the question when they are all in their 70's and 80's what in the world will their teasing look like?

Buffalo Hair Do

God must have known our daughters were going to need senses of humor, thick skin, moderate (they are women after all) patience and an extra dose of humor.  Why?  God knew their brothers were coming along and they'd need those traits and a whole lot more.  He also granted our girls the complete and total understanding of retribution and it's implementation.

Sydney is currently outnumbered on the girl to boy ratio.  Rachel and Alison headed back to their places so she's a one sister target for the Filipino Fire that are Lucas and Eli.

This morning her ego took a direct hit as she was drying her hair and getting ready for the day.  First to take a swing at his sister was Eli with the statement of, "Wow, Syd your hair looks like an alien's head!"  Ouch.  Sydney having dealt with the deadly duo since day one, ignored and continued on. 

Then came brother two, Lucas, "Oh!  Man!  Syd!  Your hair it looks like a buffalo hair!"  Okay.  (In their defense, Sydney does have a lot of hair and during the drying process...well it's large.)  After that there was a whole lot of screeching and tattling.  Mainly from the boys.  I think the repercussions to their statements were justified and appropriate.....someday the Filipino Fire will learn it doesn't pay to mess with any member of their sister tribe.

Comparing Notes

You know those times as a parent where you know your child is doing something that they shouldn't, know that they shouldn't and have been told not to?  Yep.  Figured you all could relate either from the parent or the child point of view.

The boys received an XBox for Christmas.  They've been very excited but as with all video game related things we have to really put the restrictions on it.  The type of games (whoops, yes I did buy but not give an age inappropriate game).  The biggest restraint that rubs the boys is the time allotment.  Too much video equals crabby, fighting, argumentative kids.

Fortunately for us...not so much Lucas and Eli this isn't our first parent rodeo.  We know the tricks and games kids play to "sneak" by their parents....do kids actually think any of these ideas are original or that their parents didn't try ALL of them as kids?

We knew the boys were getting up to play in the middle of the night.  Usually for about 30 minutes.  Until last night when apparently they grew brave and by the looks of them this a.m. played for a looooong time.  We thought we'd give them long enough to make them good and tired before we let them know that their parents are not totally out of touch.  

Sitting at the lunch table they could hardly keep their eyes open.  I looked over at Mike, grinned and then said, "So Eli, what time did you get up and play the XBox last night?' 

Because he was in a self induced sleep deprived coma he answered me....truthfully.  He said from "3-11".  Then Lucas, never to be outdone said, "No, you got it backwards it was from 11-3."  Click. Click.  They both realized at the same time that they'd confessed.  Lesson learned?  Probably not.  XBox in lock down...you better believe it.

Tears For The Philippines

Last night brought something home to Mike and I that we "know, knew and became lax about".....the boys have a lot of unresolved feelings about their lives in the Philippines.  Lucas has a lot of memories that are good for and about his life there, Eli does not. 

This difference in their experiences was probably the first and only divisive thing they brought with them to their new lives....don't get me wrong, since coming home and learning that they can have separate opinions and experiences they disagree a lot....that's good.

We've watched several movies and tv shows that were set in or talked about the Philippines.  Some showing Manila and others the islands of the Philippines in general.  It always brings about conversation about them living there and memories.  Last night, we watched a movie where it was primarily set in Manila.  The boys lived in foster care there for 4 1/2 months while waiting out the final paperwork process for us to bring them home.  That transition time between orphanage, foster care and our home was valuable.  The two strongest memories the boys have talked about are the school they went to in Manila and their "Lola" there.

While watching this particular action movie usually we would hear a lot of sound effects and general mayhem out of Eli.  Suddenly it was too quiet, I looked over and he had tears.  Eli is not a kid to show emotion easily unless it's to be a total goof ball.  I asked if he was ok and I got the guy response of "ya, ya" and a wave off. 

After the movie he came into the kitchen and I asked what it was about the movie that bothered him.  He said he missed the Philippines sometimes.  Then he went on to clarify "not the busy part, the pretty part.  The Philippines were really pretty sometimes."

This got me to thinking about the conversations we've had and do have with Eli about the Philippines.  I would say it's safe to say that 80% of them are about the Philippines itself, not people but the actual land.  When he wasn't allowed or couldn't attach to the people who were caring for him he seems to have directed that need for connection to the land.

I wish his birth family could know this about him as they were farmers and fishermen.  People who also could probably understand that connection to the land.

"You Better"

Sometimes your kids can say or do things that embarrass you.  Sometimes....that can be reversed and your kids are the ones who are embarrassed by you.  I like to think of it an equalizing phenomenon. 

Yesterday (with 80% family approval - all the females) and something I've thought about for 5 years (procrastinator, planner or chicken that I am) was the day that I went to get a tattoo.  In Eli's words,  "Ya, I know right?"

It's nothing huge, inside wrist (under my watch band for work).  It says Blessed and has 5 bird silhouettes in flight, one for each of the kids.  When I left the house it was to Eli and Lucas shaking their heads.  Apparently, things of this nature are okay for them when they are older not mom.  I'm not sure a tattoo is in either of their futures as they would run or pass out at the sight of the process.

When I got back home Eli looked at me and said, "Well.  Do you like it?"  I told him that yes I do and I was really pleased with how it came out.  He took a look, looked up at me and said, "Well you better cause it's going to be there for ever and ever and it will NEVER EVER come off."   Hmmm.  Thanks son.

Nice Cooking Dress

Today...all day...saw more Christmas baking at our house.  Last year Lucas was interested in learning how to make certain things for the holiday, this year he's more into the eating so it was Eli's turn to create.

We made 3 different kinds of cookies, 2 candies, a cake and dipped pretzels.  Eli was in charge of the pretzels, he helped with other things but the pretzels were his domain.  He was quite nervous on getting just the right amount of dip on each pretzel stick.

The first two came out without incident...the third, he was so confident he forgot to pick up the pretzel and just stuck his fingers in the chocolate dip.  He was soooo not happy.  After being reassured that we had more chocolate he washed up and tried again.   Two boxes later I think we have enough dipped pretzels for quite sometime.

As he was finishing up (not necessarily cleaning up) he looks over at Rachel who is now on her 2nd recipe of cookies and gives this parting shout out,  "Hey Rach!  Nice cooking dress!"   Guess we forgot to introduce and explain the word "apron."

Sharing His Story, His Way

Last night Lucas and Eli had some friends over to spend the night, go sledding and pretty much see who could stay awake the longest....I did not win that contest.

This morning, Mike was on breakfast duty in the kitchen and while the boys were eating I took 10 minutes getting ready for the day...I swear it was no longer than 10 minutes.

I came back into the kitchen to hear Lucas telling their friends about aging out of the orphanage and what that meant.  His friends were having difficulty understanding or believing the whole idea.  Lucas spotted me (frozen in the doorway - just shocked as this is the first time I've actually heard him explaining it himself to peers) he says, "Mom.  You tell them, I wouldn't live where I used to anymore, I'm too old.  Eli and I wouldn't have been able to stay together."  At which point five sets of eyes (including my husband in this as he was clueless until this point :) for further explanation.

So......I pulled out the mini lesson on orphanages, the boys' life there, at which point Lucas stepped in and added more details.  Lucas and Eli have always asked we share their story, they wanted people to know but either didn't have the words or were too shy so they'd ask us to share.

I know they have talked with their friends about certain things about their lives in the Philippines, I've just never witnessed it.  Lucas did really well, only needing some back up to let his friends know he wasn't making it up.  It's hard to believe for adults let alone kids.  As for their friends?   I'm pretty glad these 2 young gentlemen were the ones he shared with.  At the end of the conversation, one of them slung his arm around Luke's shoulders and said,  "Well.  I'm glad your here now otherwise you wouldn't be my best friend."

What's a mom to do?  Invite them both back for sledding and a pizza party after Christmas and smile.

This Can't Be Happening

7:50 a.m., threw the kids in the Yukon (snow day for schools) and took them to do grocery shopping and last minute Christmas shopping.  All of those things could account for Eli screaming, 20 minutes into the ride..."This can't be happening!"

Nope.  It was the fact that he noticed the outside temperature on the read out.....4 degrees above zero. 

Christmas Baking or Should I Say Snacking?

Rachel decided to conquer a simple baking item with Eli's help.  Two minutes into the project I think the score was 3 on the baking pan, 2 in Eli's mouth......but the laughter was winning by a long shot.  Happy Holidays!



It's Finally Here!

What could possibly cause this to be exclaimed when I walked in from work?  Snow,  heavy, wet, accumulating SNOW!  Last winter was a very light year for snow, the boys did not approve, extreme sledding is their favorite. I say favorite even though they complain about the cold, the wet and aren't really good in the steering department.  They want snow boards....I think we should master the sled first....I'm not explaining another concussion.

I think Lucas and Eli thought it was a joke on them, the first year home we had a lot of snow, last year hardly any....they probably thought it was a gimmick to get them to like winter that first year home.

As we are in a blizzard warning for the next 18 hours pretty sure they may have to hold out that long at least before breaking out the sleds.   They don't think it's a problem to sled in a blizzard but once again their mom has other ideas.

Say The Words

This past week has seen a lot of tragedy for the United States and for people around the world.  The murder of innocent school children is unexplainable to a child that survived an early life in an area of the world that has more than its share of violence and death.  It's unexplainable to any child or adult.

A few posts back I wrote about Eli telling me how he liked school in America because it was safe.  I was so happy he felt that way about school and his new love of learning.   That was then.  Now, we are left trying to explain and make sense of an abhorrent act, to try and convince two boys who have seen first hand acts of evil and now realize they can happen even here in America....even a school.

Working in the office of an elementary school has left me with a lot of questions, anger and yes, fear.  As hard as I tried to work through all that before returning to work on Monday...I have to say I didn't succeed....nothing is as it was before....nor should it be...it's hard for everyone.

As I was literally opening the door to leave the house, Eli came up and said very quietly,  "I love you."  All that time I was trying to make him and Lucas feel okay about going to school and making sure they know we love them, those three words helped me head out to my school, face all those little faces and parents too.  Not only the children need to hear those words, all of us can benefit from the act of telling our loved ones that yes we matter, yes I know what you mean to me and yes I love you.

So to Eli I say thank you for sending me off with that knowledge and thank you for realizing I needed to hear it.  Most of all to all my kids I say, "I love you, you are precious, you are truly a blessing." 

Sing What?

Tonight was the 3rd Christmas concert for our kids, Sydney's college concert = 2 hours (survival of the die hards), Lucas' was tonight = slightly over 1 hour (5-8 grade...ummm we too survived) and then Eli's is on Thursday. 

Lots of new songs, fast and slow for Lucas and Eli to learn.  Christmas songs blow their collective minds.  They both came home complaining about how fast the words were and they didn't know them.  So their music teacher emailed us the words and being the ever independent (bull-headed) young males they are, decided they could read and learn them themselves.

Well on the way home tonight they were both singing the songs at the top of their lungs with words that I'm not sure what language it was in.  We knew the tune, they have that down but the words....not so much.  How could their parents and sister possibly know the correct words because they KNOW it ALL! 

Well I'm pretty sure their is no evergreen with changing leaves and their is no king in Frosty the Snowman.  But what do I know.  Band, now that went well.

Tails of the Hairy Nature

Sometimes I wish I could climb inside the mind of these two boys.....oh wait, I'm not that brave or crazy yet.  What possesses them to come up with certain conversations and thoughts is dumbfounding to me.

Sitting in a restaurant after a marathon day of Saturday basketball games, Lucas looks across the table at Mike and says,  "Dad, does it hurt to get your hair cut like that?  I want my hair cut like that."  Huh?  Mike usually wears his hair in a flat top and fairly short, so I'm looking at Mike thinking what on earth is Lucas talking about.

Lucas went on to explain he wanted his hair to go back on the sides in the front like his dad's does but was concerned it would hurt to have his hair all "shaved" off......Mike's hair isn't shaved off...it's called a receding hair line...try explaining that and not laugh.

Hall Monitor?

This week Eli informed us that he was the "name writer" in the hall.  Huh?  After much explaining we think he was chosen for the hall monitor to write student names down that were talking as they passed through the school hall.  Huh?  Eli?  This child has not stopped talking for the past year....that's a good thing but hall monitor?  Really?

He was very dignified when explaining his duties and how and whose name he had to write.  Then he named a boy who is a friend of his.  I asked how he handled getting his friend in trouble.  Eli's kind of looked sideways and said,  "Mom.  I gave him the warning sign first.  He stopped talking so I was ok, I didn't have to write his name down, besides he has a hard name to write.  The quiet sign was better." I think I need to learn the quiet sign for home use.

Being a Grandma

Today's lesson from Eli...he could teach everyone a thing or two....when he came over to me as we were all cleaning up the supper dishes.  I figured I was in for some large epiphany when he cornered me in the kitchen and very seriously asked, "Mom.  When I have children....when I am a dad....will you be my kids grandma?"

Family relationships are a big deal to him.  Lucas knows the relationship tree (dad's brother is his uncle, aunts are his mom's sisters, cousins are aunt's & uncles' kids and so forth.  Lucas doesn't dwell on this area so much. Once he figures out the relationship he's good to go.

Eli....well he ponders on relationships a lot.  We take his need to define the pathways seriously.  He seems to have to identify everyones family membership then he has everyone in their family slot.  He has now moved to the point of realizing that the roles and labels we have within a family change as life goes on.  Yes we are mom and dad but we are also aunt and uncle, brother, sister and someday most likely grandparents.  Needless to say it warps his brain but also teaches him that relationships evolve and change and he is not always going to be able to label someone or something and have it never change.  Change is tough for him, he prefers status quo.

I thought that was the direction of this particular conversation.  It was for a part of it but as I told him,  "Yes I would be his childrens' grandma."  He started to turn away and then looked over his shoulder and said,  "Good.  I would like that."  I know his straight forwardness will not always be there, he will turn into a teenager who probably won't want his mom within 50 yards but for right now he's okay with telling me it's ok to be his kids' grandma....I'll be happy to wait awhile for that to happen but when it does I know that even if he doesn't happen to voice it,at one point in time the boy who didn't have a family to call his own for the first 8 years of his life has become aware of family and all the people in it.

Again, it's another one of those areas that a person takes for granted (I did) that family is family and for those of us raised in the same family from birth, we know early on who fills what slot in our family and what those roles are.  This is something Lucas and Eli are learning just like everything else they've learned and continue to learn over these last 3 years.  A lot of the time I can't help but marvel at all they have absorbed,then I will come up short and think have they learned as much as they've taught?

The Sisters

College exams are finishing up this week for Rachel and Sydney.  They will be coming home over break and let me tell you the boys are excited.  Not sure if it's good excited or "random, havoc will fall upon the heads of the homecoming sisters" kind of excited.

I only know that throughout our days for the past week we have answered the question, "When are the sisters coming home?"  They don't say Rachel and Sydney, just the "sisters".  I think we all may have contributed to this, me especially, as I often refer to Lucas and Eli as "the boys".

Either way, our house is about to become a whole lot busier and louder.  I'm not sure if that's good to realize your college aged kids are going to have to adjust to the louder volume than they deal with at school.  Happy Holidays and pass the ear plugs!

Is It Okay If I Forget?

In late November we celebrated Lucas and Eli being home for 3 years.  Wow!  Time flies and stands still at the same time....if that makes sense.

This morning Eli asked me how long have they been home.  I told him again.  He sat there and thought it over  then turned very serious eyes on me and asked,  "Mom, is it okay that I forget how long it is now?  I don't always remember is it okay?"

Oh.  How to answer?  I want to say it's okay, relax and let go.  Then I think no I should let him know that memories of the Philippines and his life there are important because he may have questions later.  Then I look at his too serious, worried eyes that he's forgetting things and time.  So I jumped off the adoptive parent ledge and went rogue and told him it was fine to let go.  That I would try to write as many of his stories and memories down so that he could read them and remember later.

It's probably not the most politically correct, adoptive parenting answer but it's a mom answer.

Do I Have An Accent?

The question of the night, posed to us by our youngest son?  "Do I have an accent?"  Hmmmm.  "To us, yes you have an accent."  His next question on his search for information, "How do you know?"

Well son.  I have tried for over a year (approximately how long he has understood what accent means) to answer his questions.  Today was the first time he actually thought that maybe he does have an accent...not something he got on his own he had a friend enlighten him at school.  

I've tried to give him examples of accents but when you live in the Midwest of the United States, our "accent" is pretty mundane.  We don't usually consider ourselves to have accents but I have friends from other parts of the country who describe our accent as flat or no accent.   That's how they know we are from the Midwest.

Eli went on to ask when he would be getting his English accent.  I think we have a ways to go on this subject.

Old School

As a parent I should know that if the thought of..."wow, it's really quiet"...as it regards to Lucas and Eli, I should know to not count on it lasting too long.  The trip to school this morning was one of those occasions.  

As we pulled into the parking lot, the errant thought of quiet passed through my brain just as Eli announces,  "Mom, you need to see our school in the Philippines.  It was huge.  A college, a high school and us little kids.  It had a big yard with a fence and a gate....and lots of guards."  Then we had 10 seconds of silence as he processed what he said.

He followed his thought up with,  "but we don't have guards here.  I like this better, I'm safe and it's good to come to school, I'm not afraid here."

Silence.  Sometimes it opens a door for a whole lot of meaning.  Puts a mom's whole day in perspective.

She'll Never Marry Me

I don't know where certain conversations begin with the boys.  Suddenly I will find myself embroiled in a soul searching, philosophical conversation for which I am totally unprepared for.  You just never know which road Lucas and Eli are going to travel.

Some where Lucas began talking about changing names and was my last name Pickle when Mike and I married and why did I choose Pickle instead of Mike taking my last name and so there began the social/cultural custom of names after marriage.

At the end of this whole conversation (which took a loooong time) he flops back in the chair with the most pitiful look on his face and says, "But it's not fair!  I will never get a girl to marry me cause she would have to be a Pickle and she won't want to do that!"  I said, "I changed my name when Dad asked me to marry him." He said,  "But your the mom you have to say yes."  No son.  I was not always a mom, I did have a choice, even in the dark ages when I got married and yes you will find someone that says yes.....just not for awhile.

God Lights

Tis the season to decorate, bake and decorate some more.  Our neighbors are so good about decorating outside their homes for everyone to enjoy.  I'm still trying to get the guys to hang outside lights.  Inside is done, thank goodness.  

This morning as we once again headed out to school, Eli started talking about the light of God.  Ok.  Just really out of context for what we were doing.  So as I'm trying to follow his conversation with Lucas I hear,  "you know those people have God's light, we need to get the light of Jesus."  To which Lucas quickly agrees and wants to know if dad can find God's light.  WHAT?

Two miles later and a whole lot of drawing with their hands, they were talking about the neighbors manger scene that was still lit this morning thus the light of God.

I Heard It Crack

Those are the words that came out of Eli's mouth as we pulled in to the school parking lot.  What?  Heard what crack?  Obviously, it wasn't a bone as he was playing last night, good this morning and not screaming in pain.  What?

His explanation..."Oh you know last night when you were gone.  Dad gave me an apple and when I bit into it my tooth made a crack sound."  Great.  Does your tooth hurt?  "Nope, but it sure is wiggly.  Are all my teeth going to fall out like that picture of grandpa?  Will I talk like this?"  Which was followed by much inappropriate facial expressions of those without teeth.

Lucas, who could not be left out of the discussion, tells his little brother, "You sure have lost a lot of teeth since we got here.  Pretty soon you aren't going to have any.  You just keep getting rid of them and pretty soon God doesn't give you any more."

What can I say.  We pulled up to the school door and I let them out, came to work and drank a pot of coffee, I'm not leaving the house without caffeine again. 

The Eyes Have It

"Mom.  How come you and dad look at people's mouth when they talk?"  I wanted to say it's because your dad and I are old and getting deaf so we have to read lips....but I didn't, that was a little too close to true.

Lucas went on to say that he doesn't look at lips he looks at peoples' eyes.  He told us that he can "hear" a lot more by their eyes, even if he doesn't understand the words because they are talking too fast, their eyes will tell him.

Sadly, he also went on to say that he is quiet in school, watching eyes because that way he can figure out what is being said......people talk too fast.  I can only imagine how tired his brain is from deciphering a constant barrage of English.  Then to realize he's "reading" eyes to judge what is going on and people's intent.

We knew both he and Eli are watchers, it is a coping mechanism from the orphanage.  Safety, approval and knowledge were gained from watching, now watching has become a learning tool and probably a little security as they navigate growing up.

Wake Up Call

Have you ever been sleeping soundly and get the feeling someone is watching you?  This has been my wake up call for the past several mornings...at 5:30 a.m....followed by "I'm ready."  WHAT!

I don't get it.  Mike jokingly told him on Sunday that he needed to make sure he set his alarm so he'd have plenty of time to get ready for school.  Lucas asked him what time, he said 5:30 but did correct himself when he realized Luke took him seriously.  This is the part I don't understand.  This was a conversation between Mike and Lucas...why do I have to be woken up at 5:30?

It is nice that he has his bed made, room picked up and back pack ready.  Today he even remembered to take his drum kit to school for practice.  I wonder if I should be leaving him a list of chores I need done...pretty sure that would cure the early wake up.

Three Years to Spontaneity

Over the course of the three years since the boys came home, they have met and passed many milestones.  One of those surfaced in technicolor this holiday week-end.  All 5 kids were in the house for extended periods of time.  It allowed them to interact with one another in ways that brief visits on week-ends and an hour or two here and there don't touch.  Bicker, joke, argue, joke...repeat...you get the idea.

It was hectic here, Thanksgiving, family pictures, birthday and Christmas decorating all in the span of 4 days.  Lots of together time.  Lucas and Eli are getting better at giving themselves breaks when they get too overstimulated and need some down time.  Only one melt down this week-end, I count that successful.

Something that was new to the family dynamics this holiday was that both boys have developed this sense of appropriate spontaneity in humor, interactions, behavior and did I mention humor?  At one point Alison turned around after being verbally zinged by Eli with such a shocked expression it was hilarious.  She asked, "Where did this kid come from?"  "Where is he learning to talk like that?"  Not inappropriately by any means, just verbally holding his ground in a humorous conversation with the sister that can talk her way into and out of anything.

I hate to tell the girls...their brothers have had them and their dynamics under close study for the past 3 years and spontaneous humor is only the tip of the iceberg to things they have mastered.  Beware!

What a Terrific Birthday Gift From My Kids

The Holidays are Mixing Together

Many reasons to be thankful today.  Family being the biggest and best gift.  Lucas and Eli have picked out and are in charge of making their favorite food for today.  Lucas is in charge of homemade noodles.  Eli is making stuffing.  Yep stuffing, something that he wouldn't touch the first Thanksgiving home.

We were sitting at supper last night talking about all the items we had yet to make.  Lucas informs us that he had roast pig for Thanksgiving in the Philippines.  We had to explain that yes he may have had a roast pig but Thanksgiving is generally an American holiday.  They probably had this treat on a different holiday in the Philippines.

He shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't care if it was Thanksgiving or not, he sure was thankful to eat it.

I Know.....Right :)

Some mornings a mom just have to laughs.  With Eli, there are a lot of laughs.  I've never seen a kid who jumps out of bed with a smile on his face, ready to go and is 110% in to everything he does.

In an attempt to clean house and bake for the Thanksgiving holiday, we were trying to get the boys to pick up their rooms a little better than normal.  Mike went into Eli's room to help him do a little "fine tuning" to his clean up job.  Later, as I walked by the doorway I noticed a couple of things on the floor that needed to be put into the laundry.  I said, "Eli, you still have some dirty clothes on the floor."

He calls back from his position in front of cartoons on tv.  "I know, right? (total disgust in his voice)  Dad said he'd do it."  Nothing like starting the holidays with a laugh.

I Know What They Will Look Like in 60 Years

We had a brief glimpse of the future and what Lucas and Eli will look and act like 60 years from now.  Sitting together on the couch, one reading a book, the other drawing.  Talking to one another at supersonic speed and neither one listening to the other.

When I say they were speaking fast, I mean we could not understand a word that was uttered.  After about 10 minutes of this (my hearing and sanity were in danger) they stopped at the same time, looked at each other and said at the same time, "What?"  Practicing for their old age I guess.

When Girls Come Calling.....Really!

Sometimes important matters that should be addressed with all respect and seriousness are .........hilarious.   We want to be sure that the boys approach friends (boys and girls) with respect.  We also impress upon them sometimes daily that at 11 and 12 years old....they do NOT have girlfriends but friends that are girls.

That works right up until a girl calls the house and talks with one of the boys, he blushes an alarming color of red and mumbles into the phone.    After ending the call he walks away, shaking his head and mumbling, "Ah, man."  I find myself walking the other way, thinking...."Really!  I'm not ready for this."

Holiday Request From The School Lunch

I made my holiday request from the family for food they would like to eat for Thanksgiving dinner.  Our kids, if nothing else, are consistent with their favorites.  Alison - macaroni salad, Rachel - pie, Sydney - pistachio salad, Lucas - green bean casserole.....and then there is Eli (with full support of Lucas).  

Can you guess what he REALLY wants for dinner?  Sweet potatoes just like the school cooks make.  In his estimation they are the best things possible.  I'm not sure what that says for my cooking but like the dutiful (or  passivating) mom that I am, I made one of the oddest calls our school probably received today,  "Can you tell me if there is anything special the cooks do to their sweet potatoes?"  

After assuring the school that, "no, I don't have a complaint", "no my child didn't get sick from it", I had to explain that my son, "REALLY wanted those for Thanksgiving."  Now you may be wondering what the secret recipe is?   Open a can, sprinkle with brown sugar, warm.  I can handle it.

Who Giggles More?

I'm really starting to question who giggles more.....boys or girls?  Right now I'm thinking boys.  For the past month or so, one or the other or both of the boys have been sick or injured.  Apparently they've both recovered admirably.

For the last two nights they giggle at each other, the tv, the dog, their parents, their sisters, bodily functions, brushing their teeth (that is not a pretty sight).  Last night Eli was across the room working on his homework....smiling with the occasional giggle thrown in.  Did you catch that?  Homework (voluntarily), smiles and happy.  This from the kid who wouldn't go to school 3 years ago.  I feel like giggling!

What's He Speaking?

I've been reading a book called "The ELL Brain and How It Learns".  It's a fantastic book that parents and teachers of ELL kids should read.  It is such an eye opener to all that is going on in their brain and what all has to happen for these learners.  It is one of the few books that my husband has picked up read 3 pages and said, "Oh.  I wish I'd known this 3 years ago, it would explain so much."  And then he kept reading.

As a population at large a lot of people could benefit from reading it.  For those that have never had to learn a new language or those who mock or judge those learning, it could give them a new point of view.

Although last night in our house we had our own little intolerance issue in regards to people with accents and what is "wrong with him?"  Nope, not from any native English speaker but from one of our sons, as he was watching tv.  He heard someone speak English with a heavy Eastern European accent and was quite adamant about that person not speaking English correctly.  He was, just accented.  

I pointed out to our son that he too speaks with an accent.  He was so shocked.  He looked at his brother and said, "No I don't, I talk just like him."

Sydney's College Project...Her Brothers

Sydney is a college freshman this year.  Lots of assignments, with lots of subject matters.  This past week one of those subjects for a speech was international adoption and her brothers.  I think she found it challenging to fit her knowledge of the subject in the designated time frame.  No she wasn't short for material.           It's kind of neat that she learned so much about the process and what it took to bring Lucas and Eli home.

After class she was approached by several people who were either touched by adoption already, want to adopt in the future or were curious about some of her photos.  As Sydney was telling me this she said, "Mom, I think maybe some of them thought Rachel was adopted too, you know that whole blond thing." 

I don't think about the "looks" of our family.  Our kids are our kids, not adopted, not biological just our kids.       I think I actually used to get more comments on whether or not Rachel was adopted when she was little than I have with the boys.  I think I'll suggest to Sydney that her next subject should be on genetics and family traits.  

It's Not Rude, You're Ignorant

Probably not the nicest title for a blog post but after a week of contemplating, evaluating and trying to "let it go" this is still the title and subject that I can't drop.

Before traveling to the Philippines to bring Lucas and Eli home, I made a small book for our friends and family, introducing the boys, a little about their background, photos and small bits of info concerning institutions and behaviors that can be associated with children raised in that environment.  In a nutshell I tried to condense all the adoption and attachment books that I'd read and include things that our friends and family may be introduced to along with our two new family members.

A couple of people that received this booklet were nice enough to let me know they appreciated it, as it answered some questions that they were hesitant to ask but interested in so that they could also help in the transition and their interactions with Lucas and Eli.

Included in this cliff note introduction were customs and mannerisms that may differ from the boys to our norm.  Nothing wrong with differences but people do wonder.  These are not differences that we have ever tried to "change"....why should we, it is culturally and socially acceptable.  They are fully aware that we do some things differently, if they adapt to it that's fine, if they ask questions about the differences we answer.  They are also aware that the differences can make them stand out in peer situations.  This is usually when they may chose to adapt the situation.  The key to that statement....THEY CHOSE!

So.  For anyone who may run into our family, we are a family made up of 2 cultures, experiences, language differences and behaviors.  We try very hard to not let these differences be an excuse for bad behavior but unless you have immersed and understand Lucas and Eli's birth culture do not presume to correct something with them that you deem to be impolite or rude.  Here is your first clue when you have breached an appropriate boundary.....Lucas and Eli will look at you like your are an idiot.  They won't say anything to you  about your misstep as that is rude for a child to correct an adult, they will simply know you are ignorant of things outside your small world.   Your second clue of a monumental proportion?   Me.  As you finish your tirade at my child please look over your shoulder because I am there.  I will be there.  I will address your ignorance either with education, condemnation or avoidance.  I will not allow my children to feel or believe their culture is any less valuable than yours.  Do not attempt to impress your "manners" on them, they have parents who will be the guideline.

As in the beginning, ask questions, seek answers we are always happy to talk with anyone about most aspects of adoption and the boys.  We are not okay for others to devalue and make our boys feel less than anyone else.  Educate yourself....be rid of your ignorance your world will be so much brighter.

Define Freedom

Periodically Lucas and Eli go through phases where all extra talk is about the Philippines and their memories.  Lately, we've moved beyond the Philippines to details of meeting us in Manila, travel home and the first days in their new home.

Lucas has been talking about being scared, not being understood and not understanding what we were saying.  (Here we thought we were doing so well.)  About learning to ride a bike and learning all the rooms in the house.

One of the interesting thoughts he told us went like this, "I remember being soooo tired.  I went to sleep and woke up the next day and looked at everything.  You said I could go outside and play but I didn't know where to stop outside.  Someone always told me where to play, someone always told us when.  You said I could just go play.  That's what freedom is.  Freedom is when you can play outside when you want."

What's your definition of freedom.  To a newly adopted 9 year old from the Philippines, it's freedom to be a kid.